Is she FUCKING STUPID?????

(This weekend I'll try to post about my lunch with Q1 -Jesus, does she get pissy when you give her kids Jolt Cola and a Cookie! Read here about her version of lunch...)


What the hell is wrong with THIS woman?? If my husband tried to hire someone to kill me, the only reason I would try and get back together with him is perform some Nija like death moves and rip his spine out of his asshole...

Lunch tomorrow with Q1

I am so excited!
I am having lunch with the Queen of Dysfunction tomorrow!!
I haven't seen her in many months.... I cannot wait to catch up. She is bringing her camera so I KNOW we'll both have a story for you as soon as we can.

I am pretty sure we'll stay sober- since I have to return to work, and she'll have to go pick up her 6 year old from school..

You would think living 20 minutes from one another we would see each other more often- but we suck.. we get so wrapped up in life we forget to take time out for one another.... but it's nice that since we've known each other so long- we don't get offended and we understand. We pick up right where we left off...

Hmmmm- Q1- should I tell the tale of our bar night many moons ago- with Ole Click-Click and Bubba?

Wadda Hell??

I have been up since 12:30 am.

I was sleeping peacefully beforehand, until the sound of a police helicopter and the cop on the PA system woke me up.

I have no clue what they were saying- it sounded like Charlie Brown Teacher noises, "Waa wa waa waaaaa, wa waa wa waaaaa"

They had the spotlight on so I know they were looking for either an Alzheimer's patient loose about town...... or a serial killer inches away from my front door. ..

In all actuality I was perfectly safe. My complex is gated, and I live on the second floor.

It still scared the hell out of me. Every time I calmed down to go back to sleep- BAM! There would be the helicopter with it's bright spotlight shining into my window- and the Charlie Brown loudspeaker going off...... It shouldn't of frightened me...but it did. My mind just kept coming up with elaborate stupid scenarios blowing it all out of proportion...

With the first pass I thought-
"okay, It's probably a felon that just broke out of prison and he is probably in the bushes outside"
Second pass- " He's now probably in the complex, I wonder what he went to prison for and how did he break out?"
Third pass-" Okay, the Serial Killer Rapist Cat Burglar toting a Machete and Jason mask is tapping on my door"

I couldn't find anything online about what the hell was going on (still haven't)... but I couldn't sleep after that so I just stayed up......

My staff are wondering why I am a zombie this morning.... I told them Charlie Brown and his GOD DAMN helicopter kept my ass up all night.

They are starting to look into Alcohol Treatment Facilities to throw my ass into-(A-la-Britney)

If any of you kiddies read this and know what happened, wake my ass up and let me know!!

Smooches

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

The top 10 Unintentionally worst company URLs

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity.
Their domain name:
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com

6. The Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always:
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is:
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these art designers, and their website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at:
www.gotahoe.com

Well,I thought my three year break was over...

I thought I was in the free and clear.

I figured- it's been three years- there should be no way it would happen again.

The area isn't dominated by homeless people anymore, there shouldn't be a reason why I would be accosted or chased again.

I
WAS
WRONG.

This morning at 7 am I go out to my car. My carport is in the alley behind the complex. The alley is usually pretty quiet since it has 16th street on one side of it, and that street is really busy. I open up my passenger side door and throw my work bag in. As I am shutting that door, at the end of the alley (about 8 yards away) I hear, " Motha Fucker took all my shit" really loud.
I think ,
" Great- a batshit one- Stay calm, he probably doesn't see you, just go about your business".

Well, he did see me. Stops turns and stares at me and proceeds to scream at me,
" That's right Bitch, I'm gonna put my fist through your fuckin' mouth"
and starts to come at me.

I have no where to go quickly, but in my car. I run to my drivers side door, get in and start it (which automatically locks the doors). He's screaming the whole time charging at me,
"that's right. Bitch…" yada, yada, yada.

He's now at my driver's side window- still yelling and screaming at me and telling me what he's gonna do to me (The schpiel sounds familiar, I am thinking it could be the same guy 6 years ago back on 17th and N- the guy that said he was gonna rape me)

I can't find my cell phone- it's at the bottom of my work bag (it fell out of it's little holder when I tossed my bag in the car)

So I think quickly and hit the panic button on my car alarm. My car alarm goes off and he backs away and covers his ears. I throw my car into reverse and get the hell outta there.
He was still screaming when I left…
And Happy Fucking Friday……
After my cruise, I need to start looking for a house…

Another Odd Wedding

What is it with my family and weddings?

Whenever we attend one (unless we're in them) there is ALWAYS a story to tell…

This Sat a son of dear family friends was getting married. I used to baby-sit the kid (which depressed me even more). The bride's parents are loaded and it was really fancy.

Apparently this woman is a PRINCESS - with a capitol "P". I know a wedding is supposed to be about the bride - but this was overkill. Almost the entire wedding party were her family members. The groom was allowed to have his 3 brothers, and one friend.. The rest were her relatives… 8 bridesmaids and groomsmen apiece, 4 flower girls- each with their own usher, 2 bridal attendants, three junior bridesmaids, two candle lighters, 7 dwarfs, a pony, a marching band and a partridge in a pear tree…. Not a female friend in the whole shebang. I heard that she doesn't have any- she gets competitive and pushes them away. She also puts Martha Stewart to shame, apparently.

The first reading was a reading all about how the wife is the most important role in the relationship- A good wife compliments her husband, a good wife- yada yada snore…

Anyway.. I guess during the photo's she took all the ones with her family, then when it came time to take the grooms family photos- she threw a hissy an started crying, " I cannot take ONE more photo"… sob sob sob. So the groom talked to her and calmed her down and she agreed to one group photo with the grooms family..

There were 500 people at this wedding. The reception had two rooms, one with a VIP guest list- and a separate riff raff room for everyone else. The cake, bridal party entrance, toasts, dance floor and video were all in the VIP room. We crashed the VIP room early because we did not want to sit with the riff raff ( we got a tip from the grooms mom).

During the reception the bride only hobnobbed with her families tables. She casually looked over at our table and rolled her eyes and kept on moving-

They also had a video clip of various photos of the bride and groom. Let me rephrase that- the first 15 minutes were of the bride. Then there was a 2 minute clip of the groom. Then 5 minutes of them together.. Then a video of the bridal party getting ready (again 95% bride- 5% groom)… what struck me as odd was that in every picture of her it looked completely empty inside.. She was a beauty queen and you could tell she went to that class that shows you how to smile perfectly while looking completely lobotomized

Oh- I almost forgot.. She wore a Vera Wang-esq gown that I would never be able to afford unless I sold a kidney, spleen, and half a lung-
Well at the end of the night, she was so sweaty and hot that she had to be CUT OUT OF IT!

I behaved myself this time- (all though there was an open bar… )

My brother and father on the other hand got extremely hammered. My brother puked out the car window the whole way home…
And my father kept talking and talking and slurring and talking and talking- at one point he referred to the dog as his "daughter…. And he announced that he wasn't driving because he wanted to become a grandpa" my sister-in-law advised him that now was not the appropriate time to be having the grand kid speech…

but that wasn't the worst of it…….well…

After we all settled in for the night (after cleaning up my brother's mess and pouring him into bed)- I took a shower. Afterwards, I walked into the living room and noticed my dad on the floor sprawled out- staring into space not talking. (He has knee problems and NEVER voluntarily sits on the floor)…For a minute I worried he perhaps had a stroke-
I asked, "Daddy are you okay?"
"NO."
" What's wrong?"
"I'm fucked up!"
"Can you get up?...and why is your chin bleeding?
"I am trying to get up- I fell down and went boom" (He drunkenly slurred)
I ran and got my mother- and she and I spent 15 minutes trying to get my dad into bed- We had some roadblocks…. He was certain his bedroom was in the garage, his pants fell off in the kitchen, Once in bed the room spun so he put his foot down on the floor…

He is NEVER living this one down… My mother told him the next morning that he is cut off from booze until our cruise- and if he " pulls this shit during the cruise, I will push your drunk ass overboard and they will never find your body. Your name will be in the paper and everything…. "

God, I love my family!!!

The Sons of Bitches....

So during my blogging absence I was asked to perform in a good friends production of Camelot for another theatre company. This company is a long running amateur theatre company outside of town. The people that run it are very nice and have been friends with the theatre company I serve on as one of the Board of Directors for several years.

The part was a bit part - Morgan Le Fey- but fun. She was wild, outrageous, larger than life. I've studied Celtic Lore for several years and have always been intrigued about this historic character from the Arthurian Legends. I jumped at the chance. It was good for several reasons. I would be helping out some friends, I'd be meeting some really nice new people. It was only one scene in Act II, my director from Steel Magnolias was also in it… it was all good.

I had a lot of fun with the production. I met some awesome people, made a lot of people laugh.. I was given freedom to do anything with my makeup as long as it was loud and fairy like… I glued so much glitter to my face I looked like a disco ball drag queen. In fact- you could have hung a disco ball with a red wig on it and no one would have known the difference! LOL

One Sunday Matinee all hell broke loose.

My role required me to climb a rickety ladder through a trap door onto an 12 foot tall structure overlooking the audience. There was a curtain hiding me (when it was time- there was a light that would burst on and I would "magically appear"). It was all spooky.

I usually started climbing the ladder early- another cast member had to spot me and hold the ladder anytime I went up or down. So this one Sunday I get into my place during the song that's before my scene. I am standing up there in the dark.. When I start to smell something…. Have you ever turned on the heater in the fall and smelled that "burning dust" smell? It kinda smelled like that…

Then I saw smoke hitting the lights.. Not heavy smoke- just wisps of it… I thought- is there a lighting gel on fire? I see a few people in the audience (I could see them, but they couldn't see me just yet) get up and leave coughing…

I then see the person in the lighting booth freaking out and running back and forth. Suddenly the lights come on and there is an announcement-
"Everyone stay calm. You are all perfectly safe- there is a truck parked outside the theatre that is on fire. The Fire Department has taken care of it- but we are going to stop the show for a few minutes."

The cast freaks- some start to change their clothes to go home- other's ran to the far side of the stage to get a glimpse of the fire…

Did anyone remember the sparkly bitch at the top of the platform????
NO.
Those SONS OF BITCHES LEFT ME UP THERE TO BURN. ..
They FORGOT about me!

I didn't want to draw any attention to myself because the audience hadn't quite noticed me up there yet (although I was somewhat visible at this point)- so I tried to flag people down across the stage. I started waiving my arms at people-
One guy in the chorus noticed!
"Oh thank GOD", I thought to myself- and waived both my arms in that HELP ME I AM TRAPPED kind of way..

That asshole smiled and waived back as if I was saying "hello".
He turned around and went on his merry way!
I could have killed him.

After a few minutes we started the show back up, I did my shtick and as soon as I was done I marched into the guys dressing room and yelled at that moron.
"Hey- the next time someone is flailing their arms like this- it means ' rescue me from this ledge before I fall down the trapdoor'- asshole!"

Sheesh.

Overall though- it was a very nice production and the audiences loved the show. We sold out on several performances and I hope to work with a few of those folks again! Provided that I don't have to climb anything to be left up there to burn and waived at by retarded chorus members….
Tee hee!