Wedding from Hell at the Hee Haw Pavilion

This is a true story- the names have been changed to protect the stupid asswipes I am related to.
A few years ago, one of my cousin's (on the Hee Haw side) was married. The wedding itself in my grandparents church was lovely. The reception was a different matter. Let me say first that the Groom, the best man(his brother) and a family uncle all work for a famous beer manufacturer.. so all the beer and wine at the wedding were free and consumed in mass quantities. Actually for most of the reception everyone was having a grand time. Most of us were too liquored up to care. ..but all of this lead to a drunken family brawl on the front lawn of the reception hall.

After the meal, toast, and obligatory cake cutting all hell broke loose. My mother and I were in the car outside waiting for my brother and father to stumble in so we can go home and pass out. Suddenly 45 family members come pouring outside and start duking it out on the front lawn of the reception hall.
People were screaming and trying to punch each other....
The mother of the groom was hiking up her skirt and trying to jump on people's backs....
The best man was kickboxing bushes and crying...
Kids were running around tripping people-some were scoring the fight- "I give Uncle Jimmy a 6! Oooh Marla wins by a TKO!"

Suddenly an Uncle-who had gone home earlier in the evening-had come BACK to join in on the hillbilly brouhaha....wearing just his tuxedo pants.
NO SHOES
NO SHIRT
JUST HIS PANTS....
I was actually pleased he remembered to WEAR pants...
Then about 6 police cars with two cops a piece show up to break up the drunken family disturbance. The bride had asked me-COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE THUNDERDOME BATTLE GOING ON 12 FEET FROM HER .... "Why are the police here?" Then took another sip from her cup of Boone's farm (I wish I was making that up)
I said, "They're here for the Weddin', honey. Welcome to the family!"
Then I grabbed my father and brother, threw them into the back of the car and instructed my mother to perform her best impression of Mario Andretti and we got the hell out of there.

Two years later the Best man had gotten married... and during the toasts the bride's father said that he was so happy that this is all over because he hadn't had sex with his wife for two months.. and then one of the bridemaids announced to the guests in her toast that she"had the groom first".... less than a year later they broke up...she left him.
My family are a bunch of circus freaks.. and my father wonders why I drink so heavily...