If I could Trick or Treat.. this would be me....

Happy Halloween, Everyone..
(image from Pearls Before Swine)

Hey, Asshole...

First of all, let me preface this by saying, I am NO longer a morning person. I usually stumble into work and don't say much until 9 am..or until my coffee kicks in..whichever comes first.
But, I try-grumpy as I am, to be polite in the morning. I have a big training class to present twice today. I press the elevator button to go down to the room and get it prepared. I have a cart loaded with papers, candy, various training tools. I don't know why people's common sense goes RIGHT OUT THE DOOR when it comes to elevators. They don't stand to the side when the door opens to let the people ON the elevator to get out... they keep pressing that little button (no matter how many people are standing there or that it's lit allready) well, kiddies- my experience made me want to have a full tourette's rant this morning.
The schmuck-a-zoid that is there when the elevator door opens gives me one of those "mornin' mam" nods. I take this as a welcoming sign that he will MOVE his monster sized ass to the side and get out from the center of the elevator. But, Noooooo, this Jack-Tard decided he'll just stand in my way and let me have an aneurysm trying to navigate my cart inside without getting his armani suit wearing, black leather briefcase -that is probably empty but is there to LOOK important-holding, Tie with little jockeys on it -fucking dumbass to move the fuck over! He just stood there...staring at me in disbelief as I smooshed my claustrophobic ass into the corner. It was killing me not to say,"Hey, Asshole...unless you would like me to physically give you a training cart Enema- move the fuck over."... then I realized that I shouldn't come to work when I have PMS AND morning issues...

Fire, Fire, Fire!!!! Whoooooooooooooooooooooo!

I received this email from a very good friend of mine. He and I live three houses down from one another- but are so busy we never see each other(that is going to change, honey- I promise).

I read this and laughed so hard, I snorted LOUD and scared the hell out of my coworker sitting in the next cube over. I felt this was too good -HAD to post it...
Enjoy....

OMG...my company just had a fire drill. It was soooooo loud and obnoxious. It totally scared me, I spilled my coffee and screamed "SHIT" really really loud. In addition to the mind numbing screech of the siren, there was a 'strobe light' flashing in my eyes. Not only did I burn my crotch with coffee, practically go deaf from the siren, and have a heart attack from the scare...I was almost sent into a seizure from the strobe light!
What a way to go, eh...writhing around on the floor of your employer, convulsing, twitching and clutching at your chest with ungrateful employees you should have fired three months ago stepping on and over your head just for a chance to get out of doing 15 minutes of work.

Anyway, everyone jumps up and is rushing around like crazy Cirque Du Solei people on crack...I was halfway out of the building when someone said, "John-John (the real name has been changed to protect identity of the humiliated), your one of the floor monitors. You are supposed to grab the clipboard with your dept's employee names and take roll in the South side parking lot."
CRAP!!! (The meeting on evacuation procedures was like 8 months ago, how am I supposed to remember every little thing...)

So then I start trekking back up the freakin stairs against all the idiotic sheep hoarding down the stairs, all worried about a fire, (really worried about if they would get caught if they tried to run to Starbucks down the road).

I eventually get the clipboard and work my way to the parking lot....and WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHERE THE SOUTH SIDE OF THE BUILDING IS?!?!? So there I am walking all around the outside of my building (in my little red construction hat, that reads "FLOOR MONITOR" and big red clipboard that reads "FLOOR MONITOR" and big red name tag that reads "FLOOR MONITOR" ) asking strangers from other companies..."do you know where the south side of the building is?" errr, I sound and look like a freakn retard!!! Hello, yeah, I'm the manager of a dept in a multi-million dollar internet website company and I can't even find the PARKING LOT!!!! Finally we get the OK to go back into the building...(leave it to my company to have the ONLY UN-attractive fire fighters in CA come out). whew, glad that ordeal is over.

I really need to get in touch with these fire drill people (whoever these nameless freaks are) and inform that they need to at least wait until people have a cup coffee before blowing out their eardrums and setting off "disco" lights.

To make matters worse, I was just informed by my HR dept. that I forgot about the two temps I have in my dept and I didn't account for them. OHHHH, WELLLLL, DARN....Because of ME, they could burned to death because they are too dumb to flee a burning building.
I have a really strong feeling that I'm may be signed up for the next "CPR/fire safety-Sensitivity" seminar...

I'm done for the day, and it's only 9:00AM.

That's my buddy, folks.. Isn't he precious??

And I thought California had bad drivers......

Add this to my-whaaa da hell???- file.....

Car ends up on stairs near Pike Place Market

By Seattle Times staff

Nobody was hurt this morning when a woman apparently drove down a stairwell near the Seattle Athletic Club.
An employee at the club, which is just north of Pike Place Market, said the driver stopped the car in front of Cutter's Bayhouse restaurant. How the car ended up on the stairs wasn't immediately known. Seattle police didn't have details about what happened, but said the rain caused several accidents downtown this morning.


Copyright © 2006 The Seattle Times Company

Does this ever happen to you?

You're at a party, it's filled with EVERYONE YOU KNOW- (maybe because it's a cast party of the Full Monty- that you assistant directed and the cast has gathered to watch the DVD of the production)...
you've got a buzz (because you've drank a bottle and a half of Lambrusco).......
you go to the bathroom (because wetting your pants is NOT an option).....
when you stand up and try to zip up your pants-the zipper gets caught in your underwear......
the more frantic you get- the worse the stuck gets.....
You suddenly realize there is a line forming and people are starting to wonder if you're trying to drown yourself-or going number 2 and they'll need a defcon 5 gas mask before going in after you....
then you hear the gang singing "Happy Birthday" to a cast member (Happy Birthday Drew!)
and you think, "Fuck it" and just rip your underwear free leaving a 1/2 inch hole in your underpants and you leave the bathroom all red faced and sweaty......
WHICH REALLY MAKES PEOPLE WONDER WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE DOING IN THERE- especially if they heard all the grunting and cussing and jumping........
.....That ever happen???? No?????? Perhaps it's just me, then.......

Zen Advice

I am feeling a bit under the weather today.. so I thought I would post some Zen Advice. Now, perhaps only I think it's hysterical because of all the flu medicine I've taken.. oh well I don't care- it made me laugh anyway- enjoy

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a darkside, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Wedding from Hell at the Hee Haw Pavilion

This is a true story- the names have been changed to protect the stupid asswipes I am related to.
A few years ago, one of my cousin's (on the Hee Haw side) was married. The wedding itself in my grandparents church was lovely. The reception was a different matter. Let me say first that the Groom, the best man(his brother) and a family uncle all work for a famous beer manufacturer.. so all the beer and wine at the wedding were free and consumed in mass quantities. Actually for most of the reception everyone was having a grand time. Most of us were too liquored up to care. ..but all of this lead to a drunken family brawl on the front lawn of the reception hall.

After the meal, toast, and obligatory cake cutting all hell broke loose. My mother and I were in the car outside waiting for my brother and father to stumble in so we can go home and pass out. Suddenly 45 family members come pouring outside and start duking it out on the front lawn of the reception hall.
People were screaming and trying to punch each other....
The mother of the groom was hiking up her skirt and trying to jump on people's backs....
The best man was kickboxing bushes and crying...
Kids were running around tripping people-some were scoring the fight- "I give Uncle Jimmy a 6! Oooh Marla wins by a TKO!"

Suddenly an Uncle-who had gone home earlier in the evening-had come BACK to join in on the hillbilly brouhaha....wearing just his tuxedo pants.
NO SHOES
NO SHIRT
JUST HIS PANTS....
I was actually pleased he remembered to WEAR pants...
Then about 6 police cars with two cops a piece show up to break up the drunken family disturbance. The bride had asked me-COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE THUNDERDOME BATTLE GOING ON 12 FEET FROM HER .... "Why are the police here?" Then took another sip from her cup of Boone's farm (I wish I was making that up)
I said, "They're here for the Weddin', honey. Welcome to the family!"
Then I grabbed my father and brother, threw them into the back of the car and instructed my mother to perform her best impression of Mario Andretti and we got the hell out of there.

Two years later the Best man had gotten married... and during the toasts the bride's father said that he was so happy that this is all over because he hadn't had sex with his wife for two months.. and then one of the bridemaids announced to the guests in her toast that she"had the groom first".... less than a year later they broke up...she left him.
My family are a bunch of circus freaks.. and my father wonders why I drink so heavily...

Lemme tell you a little story about a man named Jed...

All righty! Popular demand states that I should tell the Hee Haw story, well I don't have much time this morning, so just let me give you a little background on why I call a certain section of my relatives "The Hee-Haw's".

I call them the Hee Haws because they started a letter writing campain to bring Hee Haw back to the television airwaives...but they couldn't spell Hee-Haw....

They are a group of my kin that are jacked up. Our Christmas dinner is catered by the cooks from Deliverance- the turkey is okay..but the squealing pig is DELICIOUS! Before any family gathering, my mom, dad, brother and sister in law and I go down a few shots of liquor to calm ourselves. You KNOW your family is all wacked out when you have to get liquored up BEFORE you go meet them.

They are selfish, childish, and semi retarded. I have an uncle who wrapped his Christmas presents using DUCT tape instead of scotch tape, that same uncle has NEVER said more than "Hi" to me at any family gathering. To him women are small minded creatures who should only be allowed to breed snot nosed brats. He thinks women are beneath him. And God forbid if any of the family wants to go to school outside the wee podunk town they live in. One of my cousin's wants to go to school a mere 30 miles from town. My uncle now is all in a snit about how that particular individual should be out of the family. And the kicker is, he is a self rightous bible thumper who is all involved in his church about what a fine christian man he is... kiddies, can you say, "Hypo-fucking-crit"?????

I am sure it pisses him off to NO END that my brother and I both went to school far away from there and have actually moved far away. Which I don't care, anyway. I just sit back and sip from my vodka that I have secretly stashed in my purse....

Well, a few years ago, one of my Hee Haw cousins got married. All hell broke loose at the reception and we were almost on COPS..(bad boys,bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you).
Stay tuned for the next post where I'll relay what is now known in my family as the Wedding from Hell...

Me Culpa Me Culpa

My sincere apologies folks. I thought I would have a TON of time to update after The Emporer's New Clothes and The Full Monty closed (two weeks ago).. but that simply isn't the case. Work has been really busy and the project I've been on is almost ready to roll (Thank you, Jesus). Also I've been really upset about my weight lately so I've been hitting the gym more after work.. when I get home I am exhausted.
Also, I have been more social and checking in on some old friends. When I am in a show I toss them aside like Paris Hilton at a Nicole Ritchie look-a-like contest. Now I feel better that I have more time to see my peeps.
I should have practiced my drinking skills and become a raging alcoholic- work would really LOVE that idea!!
I digress.. new updates will be happening soon. I PROMISE! I have a few ideas that I am tossing around the ole' noggin.
I have a family wedding to go to this weekend, thankfully no Hee-Haw relatives are in this one, so it should be peaceful. Hey- that's a great idea... allthough many of you who read this allready know the tale of the Wedding from Hell at the Hee Haw Pavillion- but there are some new readers who don't know.... should I recap that story?? Or are y'all tired of hearing it???
Lemme know!
Smooches