A Poem to my Steel Magnolia's cast and crew...

6 women changed my life.

They altered my state of being.

These women (with the help of two fine men) made me think differently about:

Life, happiness, love and strength.

They made me empowered as a woman. They showed me courage.

They showed me truth.

These women: M’Lynn, Shelby, Truvy, Clairee, Ouiser and Annelle,

offered me something no other role has- Hope.

Hope to be a better actress, a better friend….

A better woman.

And to the souls behind these characters: Deb, Kris, Eileen, Janice, Susan,
(and Paul and David too):

Thank you. You laughed with me through Bigger-Than-Life-Hair and 8 pounds of turquoise eye shadow. You giggled with me as I tried to keep a straight face with my bits with Susan. You cried with me and gave me the strength and the emotion to give my “Guardian Angel” monologue. All of you inspire me to do great things. And if it wasn’t for David, NOTHING would get done. Thank you, David for busting your ass every night.

And to Paul- Words cannot express my gratitude.

M’Lynn says it best, “You have no idea how wonderful y’all are”.

6 women (and two men), changed my life….. Thank you, I am truly honored and touched that I was able to join you for such a beautiful ride…….it truly has been a pleasure to work with every single one of you. I would do it again in a heartbeat!
Hugs and kisses!

Stress by the Buttload

This week I took a Promotional Exam for a second level analyst classification. It is a 5-7 question test given by a panel. It's an oral (tee hee- I said "Oral") interview. I also took the supervisor exam along with it (an additional 2-3 questions).

I've been cramming all bloody week. I felt like a high school student that all of a sudden realized that finals are two days away and I haven't done a damn thing to prepare!

I freaked out. I had a major panic attack meltdown at the office on Tuesday. I kept going into random cubicles and crying. I kept shouting things like, " I don't know the 7 step analytical process!"
and
" I can't remember the steps to sending out a successful email"

See, this exam isn't about what you know. It's about your thinking process. Can you think like a second level analyst.... On Tuesday I didn't feel qualified to think like a 2nd GRADER much less than a 2nd level analyst or a supervisor.

Well, the day came and went. That morning I had the shakes so bad it looked like I was going thru detox. I almost passed out at one point. I found this highly amusing. I can get onstage infront of thousands of people and make a complete JACKASS out of myself...but one interview stressed me out so much I had the green apple splatters for three days.

But during the interview I think I did ........okay. It was really really hard! (tee hee, I said "hard")
I hit most of the main points and on at least TWO of the questions, I knocked it outta the ballpark. I babbled on in some parts like a "Beauty and the Geek" supermodel on a three day cocaine binge.

But I survived. Thankyouverymuch.

I'll know my ranking in two to three weeks. That means I'll know how I did in comparison with how everyone else did. The top three ranks are the ones eligible to APPLY for a promotional position. The remaining ranks have to wait until the others clear..... How I just loooooooove how government jobs work!

So I don't care what your spiritual preferences are, pray for me in these remaining weeks. Ask Buddha, God, Ganesha, Goddess, Father Sky, Mother Earth, or if you're agnostic- just think good thoughts for me -that I rank high enough so I can promote to another area!

So that's the back story on why I haven't posted much lately....
I've been too much of a basket case that I didn't even have a cocktail until this damn thing was over..
Now I am going to go seriously get back to working on my drinking problem.

Smooches to all!
DDQ

Alcohol Warnings!

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Confessions of a Tooth Fairy...

For my beautiful Godson, Therin, and his mother, Amber.

This is from the famous LA sketch comedy troup "The Groundlings" ...

How I love them...

My sad life......

Last night (in the few hours I was able to catch some zzzzz's -damn Insomnia sucks) I had a lovely dream.

I was in an Irish castle with Liev Shrieber (yummy yummm yummm).

He was wearing a white collared dress shirt with the top three buttons undone.. and a black blazer- kinda rumpled- as if we just came back from a dinner party..

It was completely romantic. There were candles, a roaring fire in a HUGE fireplace with one of those big fuzzy white bear skin rugs in front.

We were dancing……...

gimme a moment……..

Sigh…… (savoring the memory)

He spins me outside into a courtyard and begins nuzzling my neck.
I am about two seconds away from turning into melted butter..
He kisses me…
He goes back to my neck..
And starts kissing my shoulder..
Then oddly starts licking my shoulder feverishly….and keeps licking- working down my arm..
He is licking it so hard it starts to hurt….
And not the good kind of hurt..

I wonder what the hell kind of freaky dream is this?? I start to wake up..
And realize it's my damn cat CC -up on the bed, going to town, licking my arm…

Thank GOD I woke up before the dream went any further.. It could have gotten REALLY embarrassing..
Apparently CC had a salt deficiency or something.. He spent almost 20 minutes licking my arm..
Damn spazoid cat…

Helluva dream though.. That's my new happy place…(sigh)

This is why I am through with online dating

I was too hung over for New Years (I'm a drunken whore)

I went to a wedding on Sat. It was the youngest daughter of family friends. Their oldest daughter and I have been best friends since kindergarten. My brother and the Bride were best buds growing up also. Her parents are like second family..... we are all so happy for her and her cute husband. They are so happy together and are a really cute couple. With my friend Amy's wedding at the beginning of December- Sat made it the 2nd wedding in a row where I actually had FUN- I believe that (knock on wood) my wedding curse just may be perhaps over!!
This wedding on Sat was AWESOME for two reasons.
#1- the ceremony itself was short- yet classy
#2- the reception had a hosted bar....

Needless to say, I became very shitfaced in a short amount time. How shitfaced did I get??
Well, boys and girls- I proceeded to call everyone in my cell phone address book and give them their friendly neighborhood "Drunk Dial"......

I did this for several reasons..
I was bored and tired of dancing,
It was awfully warm in the reception hall so I had to step out for some air,
I was in Oakdale (small cowboy hick town not too far from where I grew up)
and I had about 7 glasses of 7 and 7's (Seagrams 7 and 7up)

Q1 was spared my drunken warbling. I was coherent enough to think ahead- that if I did leave an answering machine message I didn't want her to have to explain the drunken ranting of a tourette's patient to her 6 year old.....

"Mommy, why is Aunti DDQ slurring and screaming naughty words?"

"It's Saturday night, honey- you'll get used to it..."

However, my buddy Wade was not so lucky. See his post here to listen to the actual voicemail I left him......

In my defense- this all sounded a LOT better in my head than how it actually went down...

And the whole "gay" joke is a reference to the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin....

Enjoy -
Smooches
( and mortified as hell that I really sounded like that) DDQ...