DRUNK DRAMA QUEEN SETS SAIL!

Well as many of you know, DDQ asked several people to be “guest-bloggers” during her absence. Myself, Amberthyme, Queen of Dysfuntion, and Jay, the Cynical Bastard.

So, please, let me introduce myself. I’m the Berserker Librarian, one of DDQ’s friends, and kind of an adopted family member, sort of like a “Coosin” which is similar to a cousin, but much more strange.

Drunk Drama Queen asked us to start Friday, so that she could see something before she left. Since it is getting close to midnight on Friday and no one has posted as of yet, I figured I would post a goodbye letter to her, and wish her well. I hope I am not stepping on anyone’s toes…

Drunk Drama Queen, where would we be without you? As your readers will soon discover, you are a woman of many faces. I know that we are all looking forward to sharing our favorite Drunk Drama Queen stories with everyone!

I hope you have a wonderful trip. And, as I told you before, if you meet a great looking guy on the ship, and he is single, and seems perfect for you… he’s gay. Or psychotic. I’m just sayin’!

As you go off on your voyage… I just want to let you know… I will miss ya. I hope you have a great time… and I am jealous as hell that I am stuck in Hellsville, California, while you are having a great vacation!!!

For those of you who are curious as to what DDQ is like in real life. God is she a sarcastic, vindictive, (yet sweet) witch!

In short she is my hero.

Drunk Drama Queen is one of those people who is wonderful to be around… and a total hoot to watch when she goes off on someone! Though, I have to admit, Drunk Drama Queen does sense when she is about to go off, and usually takes steps to prevent serious bodily damage to others… usually.

A few years back, DDQ and I were out miniature golfing with a friend of ours… lets call him Al. Unfortunately Al’s wife was working and could not make it. Which was a shame, because his wife is an awesome person, and a very good friend of mine as well as DDQ’s.. but I digress.

However, two of Al’s “friends” (read idiots who should be sterilized) did. They managed to track us down, and followed us all around the golf course. Lets call them, Josh and Alyssa. By the end of the evening, I realized Josh was pretty much brain dead, and Alyssa barely escaped bodily injury.

It turns out Alyssa knew DDQ in High School. Or, I should say knew of her. DDQ had no clue who this girl was, though the way Alyssa was talking, it made it sound like she and DDQ were almost conjoined lesbian twins or something.

As we are playing, and both Drunk Drama Queen and I are _very_ competitive, Alyssa starts twirling in some kind of retard dance on the golf course, and kicks DDQ’s golf ball away every time it neared the hole. Then she would giggle, like it was so cute. During this, her boyfriend, Josh, kept egging Alyssa on… and DDQ’s face was turning red. I think Josh thought this was funny.

Alyssa then came over and started trying to tickle DDQ as she retard-danced by us. The next thing I know I have claws thrust into my arm. DDQ’s claws. She started growling, like mama-bear who just found out that Goldilocks had just spit in her porridge. “Take my club. Take my fucking golf club."

I have to admit, I was a bit slow on the uptake. I grabbed the club just as DDQ started to use it to brain the annoying insect known as Alyssa. The club actually started swinging through the air before I caught it. DDQ turned and started dragging me away.. Fingernails still sunk into my arm.

I’m not kidding. She drew blood. DDQ apologized later for the damage.

We managed to leave, while I was trying to calm DDQ down, and DDQ was quietly telling me “I don’t want to kill her, really I don’t. I just want her unconscious.”

Soon after that, DDQ had me ordained by the Univeral Life Church... as a Christmas present. While I know she _says_ that she just wanted to give me something unusual, I am pretty sure she only had me ordained so I could try and get Alyssa damned for eternity. That is the kind of person DDQ is... she looks at the long road and the sees big picture.

I have to admit, that one of my favorite DDQ lines is…. “I don’t want to kill her, really I don’t. I just want her unconscious.”

Does anyone else out there have some fun, memorable, or just plain _wrong_ DDQ quotes they would like to share?

DDQ.. Have a good trip. Your blog is in great hands. Just have fun, be safe, get drunk… I know you will be around family, so drinking is mandatory, not an option… and take lots of pictures!

Damn you, Q1!!

I have sat at my computer for two and a half days and I cannot think of anything to Top Q1's story of our lunch! Grrrrrrr.....

She and I are going to get together soon, and make a video to introduce you to my new friend LOLA- created one day out of boredom and 6 cups of coffee.. see her post to see a picture of LOLA since my work computer is giving me issues with adding a picture here- GRRRRRRR

So since I can't top her hysterical recount of our lunch- I will tell you of the time 7 years ago when she- after a night of dive bar hopping- passed out on my parents lawn.

She had a rough day. I was home for the summer after graduating college. She called me from the bay area where she commuted to work (a two hours drive from our hometown). She had a screaming match with her ex, lost her keys and was waiting for the locksmith to come and re key her car so she could go home(turns out her keys were in her console the whole time). She was in tears. So like any good friend, I told her to get a sitter and she was going to spend the night at my folks and we would get rip roaring drunk out on the town!

Our town was small- so we picked three dive bars and went and had a few drinks at each. The third and last bar was the skankiest hole I have ever seen (and being a dipsomaniac, I've been to quite a lot-lol). This is a bar that opens at 9 am and there is ALWAYS a few people just lined up waiting to get in...

We walk in and I immediately whisper to her- don't touch anything without washing your hands afterward. We find two seats at the bar and order drinks.

Two Rednecks suddenly get their eye on us. One we'll call "Bubba". He wore your typical redneck attire: Red plaid flannel shirt and camouflage hunting hat, belt buckle bigger than his head, cigarette dangling from his mouth, and four days worth o'stubble on his cheeks. His buddy was about two years younger than GOD and kept popping his dentures out and in, out and in (as if this was going to impress us). I call him "Ole Click Click".

They asked us our names and I (thinking quickly) immediately said,

"My name is Julia and this here is my friend, Sally."

There was No way in Hell these losers were going to know our real names. Actually I felt that I was hot shit coming up with Alias so damn quickly- lol

They asked us to play Liars dice. We obliged (as long as they were buying the drinks). About 7 drinks later- consumed rather quickly to avoid conversation with Bubba and Click Click- Bubba turns to me and asks me what I want for breakfast in the morning....

I start laughing out loud... until I realize he's being serious and wants me to come home with him.

EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW -SCREAM- EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW

I grab "Sally" and we get the hell out of there. We get in the car and drive about a half mile,when Q1 turns to me and says- I'm too tipsy and don't know where we are. I know exactly where we are since it was the old neighborhood where I grew up. I am feeling no pain, but can still drive (I realize now, BIG MISTAKE and am thankful we didn't get into an accident). We pull over and switch seats. I drive home. As we pull up to my parents house, I struggle trying to find the parking break. I turn to ask Q1 where the damn thing is located- only to find that she's no longer in the car. She is on my parents lawn. Ass end up and splayed out. I start yelling at her,

"My parents can NOT come home and find you on the lawn!!"

I somehow manage to get her and me into the house and tucked into bed....

The next day we were supposed to go to my Hee Haws and volunteer at my families Charity Softball Tournament. (I had an uncle who was a pretty damn good ball player- almost went pro- but was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died when I was five. Every year my cousins sponsor a softball tournament in his name and the proceeds go to a Cancer patient and their family)... We went- BUT Q1 SLEPT THE WHOLE DAMN TIME AND I HAD TO HOBNOB WITH MY HEE HAW RELATIVES BY MYSELF.... oh- did I mention she agreed to go with me so I wouldn't have to DO THAT... LOL

So there ya have it. Our Bubba and Click Click story. It's kinda sad that one of the few times I've ever been "hit on" was by Moses and his redneck twin... I guess it kind of scars you for life...