Sorry Folks

I haven't posted like I promised. Had a camera to Laptop Snafu and it's currently being worked on. Good news is I didn't loose any of the pics. I do have to reinstall some software for the camera, though. Anyhow.. let me tell you what I did this past weekend...


I (with some theatre buddies) drove to Seattle for the weekend....
yep, you heard me correctly. We drove 12 1/2 hours to Seattle, Washington....for the WEEKEND.

and No, I was not high, stoned, or on acid. I did bring my sippy cup of Vanilla Vodka....

"Why in the hell would you do this, DDQ?",you ask...

We went to go see the Broadway Preview of Mel Brook's Musical "Young Frankenstein"!!
It was the most amazing show I have ever seen!

It ROCKED MY WORLD!!

It starred Roger Bart (He played George the Pharmasist on Desperate Housewives)
Megan Mulally (Karen Walker from Will and Grace)played the Madeline Kahn Role
Sutton Foster was Inga (Terry Garr's role in the movie)
and Andrea Martin was Frau Bluecher (Neeeeeeeeigh)

The show was SO KICK ASS. I was really excited because the movie is and always will be one of my all time favorites. The musical did not dissapoint. My favorite song was, "He was my Boyfriend"..

The show was like A hit of esctasy, a shot of vodka, an orgasm, and a cookie all rolled into one!

Another bonus to seeing a kick ass musical, is who was sitting two rows behind us and actually brushed against my shoulder as we were leaving..

Victor Garber




and


Sean Hayes !!!



I felt like I had 7 Alabama Slammers and a shot of Tequila!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (on the inside)

It was definately worth the drive there and back!!

Harry Potter Ditty

I saw this and peed myself... I am off to change my clothes and head out of town...
Enjoy.....

\

Jet Lag is a real bitch

To answer many of you, Yes I DO plan on posting pictures and recounting my days on the cruise. Problem is I haven't had time to download the pics from my camera.. Tomorrow I leave out of town for a quick get a way and PROMISE I'll have some pictures and stories...possibly monday afternoon!

I do know that for the past three days I have been fatigued, dizzy, and I even came down with a migraine. Not sure if it has to do with living on dry land, detoxing...or what! So the spare time after work and theatre has been put to good use. Sleeping like a coma patient..

Have a good weekend and I'll begin on Monday telling you about Puerto Rico and Day 1 of my trip!! =)

Smooches,
DDQ - the one and only...

She's back...

...but not on the job. Hey there everyone, this is Steph of Queen of Dysfunction again.

What? I hear you gasp. Is Annie not back? Has she extended her vacation? Been kidnapped by ganga wielding thugs? Been delayed by an unfortunate flavored condom spill? Sold into white slavery?

The answers to all these questions of course are: Yes, no, she wishes, nope and returned at the customer care counter at the white slave headquarters for a less mouthy model.

Unfortunately for Annie she has a pal like me who likes to test passwords and throw up posts for no apparent reason other than it sounded like a good idea at the time. Oh, and I also might be drunk.

Anyway. Let's direct a little traffic to her site shall we? Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron, Barbara Morgan, Tiger Woods, heat wave, drought, humidity, Barack Obama, Rudy Giuliani, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Utah miners, space shuttle Endeavour, home run.

Alright. That's kind of boring. How about this? Britney Spears double penetration, donkey shows, Paris Hilton prison fantasies, midget porn.

Oh, and just for kicks:

Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay.

I'm going to consider this post kinda like pasta. I'll throw it up against the wall and see what sticks. I think I'm going to start taking bets on how long it will take before Annie deletes this post.

OH! But while I'm at it, let's enhance Jay's tags. Ready? Set? Whore the blog!

I'm Back!!

Hey kiddies!

OMG- so many stories …so much to tell you!

First of all, I wish to thank all of my guest bloggers for some awesome posts! I was finally able yesterday to sit down and read all of them... Laughed really hard... I do have some questions..

Why is CC (my cat) Purple?
Why did you feel the need to re arrange my furniture?
and where the hell did you put all my underwear????

I wasn't able to check my email or get online the entire time of the trip.. not enough time and so much to do! (so the postcard post was from The Beserker Librarian and NOT ME)

Jay- Great photo shopping!!

QofD- Ashley and I kept wishing you were with us!!

Amber and Coosin Beserker- Thanks for the trips down memory lane.. I had forgotten about the "Getting into his pants" story... and Damn Right you are all alcoholics because of me!!

Anyway- I digress..

here are some highlights and when I calm down and stop the vertigo madness I am feeling, I'll elaborate a bit...


The first day (only been on the ship an hour… it hadn't even left PR yet) and I had to go see the ships doctor…

Almost didn't get to leave the ship to go to Barbados because I was wearing camouflage pants..

My brother and sister in law won the 2000$$ Bingo prize..

I got to snorkel and see tropical fish really close on a beach rated top 10 beaches in the WORLD..number 1 beach in the Caribbean!

LOVE mashed green plantains

I met the guy who built YODA and bought some artwork off of him!

I bought some really nice jewelry (real)

All my freckles have come out and joined and now it looks like I have a tan.. LOL

My smuggled vanilla vodka in a mouthwash bottle was damn good with Diet coke.

The Food..MY GOD, The FOOD!

I met my future husband. The cruise director…I even proposed to him and everything.

I took 322 pictures.

Vanilla rum is super yummy!

I can still feel the ship rolling so I am a bit dizzy on dry land… and am completely exhausted!
More to follow!!

Breaking News!!

Hey kids, Jay here one last time with some breaking news!

After almost 300 bad dates (see post below) DDQ finally got it right! I just got word that she met the man of her dreams this weekend in the Caribbean. I know it took quite an effort and a long time, but it looks like this is the one. I’m so happy for her.

In fact, DDQ and her new squeeze decided to sneak off for a little alone time yesterday. They had a bit too much to drink though and decided that they should steal a lifeboat and go for a little boat ride together. How romantic huh?

Anyway, her new guy is something else. He’s a little older than her, but he’s so charming and witty and thoughtful. Apparently he’s really popular and loved by lots and lots of people.

I know she wanted to keep this a secret until she got back, but my spies caught of a picture of DDQ and her mystery man just as they were about to steal the lifeboat.

Check it out ‘yall. DDQ and her new Honey Pie...




Well, I guess that I’ve done about all the damage I can do around here. Besides, the liquor cabinet is totally empty. So is the fridge. I did find some canned peaches in the very back of one of the cabinets. Not sure they should have that funny greenish/bluish color to them though. Oh well, what the hell, they seemed to taste okay.

Oh and DDQ .....

Uh ... sorry about that big pile of beer cans on the floor but that’s Queens fault. Well, yeah, I admit that I did drink my fair share most 80% of those beers, but I didn’t make the mess.

See I built this bitchin’ beer can pyramid on the living room floor and was going to leave it for you to see when you got back. Where I’m from we call shit like that “art”.

Anyway, Queen came in Saturday night when I was hanging out watching Barry Bonds tie Hank Aaron’s home run record. Well, being the Queen she starts talking shit, telling me could strike Barry out on 3 pitches. So finally I told her to prove it. So, she takes a medium sized glass from the sink .... oh yeah ... I guess maybe we should have washed the dishes or something too, sorry ‘bout that, I swear Amber said you LOVE washing dishes and to just leave them ... anyway, where was I ... oh yeah ... She gets over on one side of the room and starts doing her Major League Baseball pitcher impression.

She looks in for the sign and of course, being Queen she shakes the guy off. Then she spits .... AND I’M NOT CLEANING THAT UP! ... and then she starts her wind up and lets a fast ball fly right across the room. The ball .. uh ... glass hits the beer can pyramid and the beer cans go flying in all directions. Then Jim yells “STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-RIKE!”. Personally, I thought it was a bit low, but I didn’t want to argue with him.

What a mess!

Of course, some of the cans still had a little “wash back” in them. You know how when you’re drunk and you try to slam what’s left of a beer and some of it dribbles back out of your mouth into the can (and onto your shirt)? Well, some of them had that in them.

I’m sure you can rent a Stanley Steamer and get most of that stuff out. And then maybe spray a little Febreeze around everything will be like new!

So anyway, if you ever need me to help blog sit again just give me a call. I’ll leave the key on the table as soon as I clear off a spot.

Oh yeah ... Welcome Home!!!
J

A postcard to you all!!!

Everyone, this is Drunk Drama Queen, taking time out of my busy social life onboard the Titanic II to tell you all hello, I love you, I miss you, and please, pray for my soul.

First off I want to say that my social life has really picked up since being onboard! Why didn't _anyone_ ever tell me that guys find women who get drunk easily, and pass out quickly, a huge turn on????

This led to a lot of dates!!! That is the good news.

The dates sucked!!! That is the bad news.

For instance:

Bad Date #5: I was romanced by Raoul on the gang-plank going onto the barge.. I mean cruise ship. He said he would call my cabin and ask me for dinner. He didn't.

Bad Date #12: I met Lou about 10 minutes, and twelve margaritas, after I boarded the ship. He said he would call my cabin and ask me to dinner. He did.

Bad Date #28: I liked Brett. Brett likes Isaac (the bartender).

Bad Date #36: Johnny was the love of my life. I wanted him soooo bad. So did Interpol.

Bad Date #53: Reggie said he loved me and wanted to spend time with me. Then he changed his mind.

Bad Date #69: (c'mon you _know_ there had to be a #69) I thought John was the best looking guy I had ever seen. Total turn on like no one before, and no one will ever be able to hold a candle to him in terns of WOW-power. Turns out we have a lot in common, like most of the same aunts and uncles. Why didn't anyone tell me that my cousin had plastic surgery?

Bad Date #84: Spencer wined and dined me... money was not an object. TONS of jewelry (the real stuff- I had it checked). Then I found out he had stolen my ATM card. Looks like I bought myself some nice stuff. At least Spencer had good taste.

Bad Date #148: My dinner date, Hal on the third evening out. He listened to all my boring stories about Steph, and Amber, and Jim, and Jay. Let me yack on and on. I thought he was the strong quiet type. Turns out he had choked on an appetizer about two minutes after I started talking to him. After hearing some of the stories about Steph, Jim, Amber & Jay, the ships doctor ruled it as a suicide.

Bad Date #206: Karl said I was the woman of his dreams. Turns out 'Karl' is short for Karlene, who likes to play dress-up.

But I will find the perfect man... I swear to God I will find him. Then I will scream at him for making me wait!

Loving you always,
DDQ

PS. Remember, marriage *is* the best form of revenge.

Going With The Flow ...

Hello again kids, Jay the Cynical_Bastard here again.

Well, it looks like DDQ’s rampage across the Caribbean continues unabated.

When they visited Jamaica DDQ took to chasing every single man around asking him “Are you Ziggy Marley?” Then she kept walking up to bands at different bars asking “Hey, do you guys play any reggae?” Then came the announcement that there was a sudden rum shortage on the island. Pretending she didn't know who THAT could have happened DDQ decided that there wasn’t any reason to stay on the island anymore and headed back to the ship.

But, the next day DDQ got a little more comfortable with the Jamaican culture. In fact, she’s really gotten into it and has threatened to stay. Here is the picture she sent from Jamaica...



--


I guess I should do something other than post really bad photoshop pictures. So, I figured that since DDQ has such a great relationship with so many of the bums that “live” near her apartment I would tell my favorite bum story. Well, one of my favorites anyway. My actual favorite might be the bum who came running at my roommates car with a baseball bat in Tulsa one night. But, I’m gonna tell the Las Vegas bum story.

I had gone to Vegas by myself cause I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, and on my last day in town I decided I wanted to go to a strip club. Now, we all know that when it comes to strip clubs in Vegas there are a number of choices, but I wanted to go to one of the “high end” clubs.

I settled on the Olympic Garden. At the time they didn’t have the male dancers upstairs, just female dancers both downstairs and upstairs. Anyway, they billed themselves as “The Classiest Gentlemen’s Club in Vegas”. And “The World’s Largest Cabaret.” On top of that the valet at Fitzgerald’s recommended the place. So, it was pretty much a no-brainer.

The place was easy to find as it was right on Las Vegas Blvd just north of the strip. I pulled my little Mitsubishi Mirage rental car into the half-empty lot around 3 or so in the afternoon. I decided to go during the day because we all know that day shift strippers are much nicer. Besides, most brawls happen at night.

Just as I got out of my car and shut the door I turned around to see a bum walking up towards me. My immediate thought was that there was NO WAY I was going to be able to blow him off and walk past him and go inside. He came right up to me and instead of asking for money he actually had a business proposition. He offered to keep an eye on my car and make sure nobody messed with it for “a few bucks.” I thought about that for a minute and decided it was a fair enough deal. So, I gave him a five dollar bill and thanked him for his help and walked towards the front door. When I turned around I saw that he was heading for the Burger King next door.

Now, one thing to remember about rental cars in Nevada (at the time at least, the law may have been changed by now) is the automatic $500 dollar deductible on any damage done to the car when it is in your care. Even if your credit card and own car insurance covers you, you have to pay the $500 bucks. Then it’s up to you to try to get your credit card or insurance to pay you back. Not to mention the stack of paperwork that has to be filled out when you are supposed to be on your flight home.

So, thinking of things in those terms, five dollars wasn’t much of a price to pay.

Anyway, the club was nice and there were many, many beautiful girls working there. And just about all of them were really friendly too. But, I just couldn’t get comfortable though. I just couldn’t seem to give the ladies the attention they deserved and didn’t really enjoy the lap dances as much as I should have.

I kept having these visions of that bum lying on the hood of my car, scratching up the paint with his boots while eating a cheeseburger and fries that I had just bought him. So, after a while I decided to just go ahead and leave.

When I walked out of the club I immediately looked for my car half-expecting it to be gone or at least trashed. But, there it sat, just where I left it. Then I heard a noise and looked to my right and sitting on the curb right next to my car was that bum. He saw me and jumped up and said “I’m glad you came back out, I was getting ready to go get me some refreshments to drink. But, I stayed right here and kept an eye on your car for you like I said I would.”

I assumed that these “refreshments” were supposed to be paid for by me again, so I reached into my pocket and gave him a couple of ones that I failed to give to the dancers on stage. Then I thanked him for taking care of my car and he said I was welcome and headed out towards the liquor store.

As I pulled out of the parking lot I looked up at the big sign that towered over the street that said “The Classiest Gentlemen’s Club in Vegas” and thought “yeah, the one with a bum shaking down tourists stupid enough to drive their rental cars to the club.”

I decided I didn’t want to see what the parking lot of the “least classiest” club looked like.




*I think that DDQs labels need spicing up a bit too. ;-)

Three Drunks and a Wedding

Hi everyone! It's the Berserker Librarian again, doing his part for the guest-blogging of Drunk Drama Queen.

I just want to say that Queen of Dysfunction, Jay- The Cynical Bastard, and Amberthyme have been doing a great job, I think, on filling in the blanks on our Drama Queen.

After reading Amber's last post, though, it got me in the mood to relive another drunk moment with DDQ at a social event. This time, however, there is a twist. DDQ was not the one getting drunk...

Picture it, 1918- okay not so far in the past, but it was a while back... at Amberthyme's wedding reception.

The wedding was great, and then came the reception. DDQ and I sat with a few other friends, including our _dear_ friend Gary.

DDQ and I were talking when she saw me fill up my glass of wine. No surprise there. I am a huge alcoholic. All of DDQ's friends are. She made us that way. But nevermind... I'm talking that through with my therapist next week...

Anyway, back to the reception. DDQ was not surprised to see me fill up my wine glass, but she was laughing as I then proceeded to grab Gary's empty glass, from in front of his unobservant ass, and swap it with my full one.

I had already done this about three or four times.

The evening progressed. Dancing, eating, laughing... and of course, continually swapping out Gary's glass of wine with DDQ's help. We started taking turns to see who could grab his empty glass and swapping it for a full one.

This went on for three hours and four full bottles of wine- or four empty bottles depending on how you look at it- just for Gary.

Around 9 o'clock or so, Gary is barely able to stand up, and saying he thinks he is coming down for something, because he only poured himself two glasses of wine. DDQ turned away, laugh-coughing-choking.

DDQ leaves for a moment, nearly pees her pants she is laughing so hard in the bushes, and then comes back all prim 'n propper. Gar yis so out of it, he did not even notice anything, which nearly set me off.

Then Gary stated he had to leave soon to go to work, becaue they were doing inventory at Toys-R-Us after the store closed.

Ooops.

Don't worry, we did not let him drive drunk. To this day he does not remember going to work, but oddly enough, another employee later told him that someone had pissed in the aisles.