Drunk Drama Queen

Sorry Folks

2007-08-15T12:53:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted like I promised. Had a camera to Laptop Snafu and it's currently being worked on. Good news is I didn't loose any of the pics. I do have to reinstall some software for the camera, though. Anyhow.. let me tell you what I did this past weekend...

I (with some theatre buddies) drove to Seattle for the weekend....
yep, you heard me correctly. We drove 12 1/2 hours to Seattle, Washington....for the WEEKEND.

and No, I was not high, stoned, or on acid. I did bring my sippy cup of Vanilla Vodka....

"Why in the hell would you do this, DDQ?",you ask...

We went to go see the Broadway Preview of Mel Brook's Musical "Young Frankenstein"!!
It was the most amazing show I have ever seen!

It ROCKED MY WORLD!!

It starred Roger Bart (He played George the Pharmasist on Desperate Housewives)
Megan Mulally (Karen Walker from Will and Grace)played the Madeline Kahn Role
Sutton Foster was Inga (Terry Garr's role in the movie)
and Andrea Martin was Frau Bluecher (Neeeeeeeeigh)

The show was SO KICK ASS. I was really excited because the movie is and always will be one of my all time favorites. The musical did not dissapoint. My favorite song was, "He was my Boyfriend"..

The show was like A hit of esctasy, a shot of vodka, an orgasm, and a cookie all rolled into one!

Another bonus to seeing a kick ass musical, is who was sitting two rows behind us and actually brushed against my shoulder as we were leaving..

Victor Garber

and

Sean Hayes !!!

I felt like I had 7 Alabama Slammers and a shot of Tequila!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (on the inside)

It was definately worth the drive there and back!!

Harry Potter Ditty

2007-08-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

I saw this and peed myself... I am off to change my clothes and head out of town...
Enjoy.....

\

Jet Lag is a real bitch

2007-08-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

To answer many of you, Yes I DO plan on posting pictures and recounting my days on the cruise. Problem is I haven't had time to download the pics from my camera.. Tomorrow I leave out of town for a quick get a way and PROMISE I'll have some pictures and stories...possibly monday afternoon!

I do know that for the past three days I have been fatigued, dizzy, and I even came down with a migraine. Not sure if it has to do with living on dry land, detoxing...or what! So the spare time after work and theatre has been put to good use. Sleeping like a coma patient..

Have a good weekend and I'll begin on Monday telling you about Puerto Rico and Day 1 of my trip!! =)

Smooches,
DDQ - the one and only...

She's back...

2007-08-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

...but not on the job. Hey there everyone, this is Steph of Queen of Dysfunction again.

What? I hear you gasp. Is Annie not back? Has she extended her vacation? Been kidnapped by ganga wielding thugs? Been delayed by an unfortunate flavored condom spill? Sold into white slavery?

The answers to all these questions of course are: Yes, no, she wishes, nope and returned at the customer care counter at the white slave headquarters for a less mouthy model.

Unfortunately for Annie she has a pal like me who likes to test passwords and throw up posts for no apparent reason other than it sounded like a good idea at the time. Oh, and I also might be drunk.

Anyway. Let's direct a little traffic to her site shall we? Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron, Barbara Morgan, Tiger Woods, heat wave, drought, humidity, Barack Obama, Rudy Giuliani, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Utah miners, space shuttle Endeavour, home run.

Alright. That's kind of boring. How about this? Britney Spears double penetration, donkey shows, Paris Hilton prison fantasies, midget porn.

Oh, and just for kicks:

Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay. Jay.

I'm going to consider this post kinda like pasta. I'll throw it up against the wall and see what sticks. I think I'm going to start taking bets on how long it will take before Annie deletes this post.

OH! But while I'm at it, let's enhance Jay's tags. Ready? Set? Whore the blog!

I'm Back!!

2007-08-07T11:43:00.001-07:00

Hey kiddies!

OMG- so many stories …so much to tell you!

First of all, I wish to thank all of my guest bloggers for some awesome posts! I was finally able yesterday to sit down and read all of them... Laughed really hard... I do have some questions..

Why is CC (my cat) Purple?
Why did you feel the need to re arrange my furniture?
and where the hell did you put all my underwear????

I wasn't able to check my email or get online the entire time of the trip.. not enough time and so much to do! (so the postcard post was from The Beserker Librarian and NOT ME)

Jay- Great photo shopping!!

QofD- Ashley and I kept wishing you were with us!!

Amber and Coosin Beserker- Thanks for the trips down memory lane.. I had forgotten about the "Getting into his pants" story... and Damn Right you are all alcoholics because of me!!

Anyway- I digress..

here are some highlights and when I calm down and stop the vertigo madness I am feeling, I'll elaborate a bit...

The first day (only been on the ship an hour… it hadn't even left PR yet) and I had to go see the ships doctor…

Almost didn't get to leave the ship to go to Barbados because I was wearing camouflage pants..

My brother and sister in law won the 2000$$ Bingo prize..

I got to snorkel and see tropical fish really close on a beach rated top 10 beaches in the WORLD..number 1 beach in the Caribbean!

LOVE mashed green plantains

I met the guy who built YODA and bought some artwork off of him!

I bought some really nice jewelry (real)

All my freckles have come out and joined and now it looks like I have a tan.. LOL

My smuggled vanilla vodka in a mouthwash bottle was damn good with Diet coke.

The Food..MY GOD, The FOOD!

I met my future husband. The cruise director…I even proposed to him and everything.

I took 322 pictures.

Vanilla rum is super yummy!

I can still feel the ship rolling so I am a bit dizzy on dry land… and am completely exhausted!
More to follow!!

Breaking News!!

2007-08-06T06:47:00.000-07:00

Hey kids, Jay here one last time with some breaking news!

After almost 300 bad dates (see post below) DDQ finally got it right! I just got word that she met the man of her dreams this weekend in the Caribbean. I know it took quite an effort and a long time, but it looks like this is the one. I’m so happy for her.

In fact, DDQ and her new squeeze decided to sneak off for a little alone time yesterday. They had a bit too much to drink though and decided that they should steal a lifeboat and go for a little boat ride together. How romantic huh?

Anyway, her new guy is something else. He’s a little older than her, but he’s so charming and witty and thoughtful. Apparently he’s really popular and loved by lots and lots of people.

I know she wanted to keep this a secret until she got back, but my spies caught of a picture of DDQ and her mystery man just as they were about to steal the lifeboat.

Check it out ‘yall. DDQ and her new Honey Pie...

Well, I guess that I’ve done about all the damage I can do around here. Besides, the liquor cabinet is totally empty. So is the fridge. I did find some canned peaches in the very back of one of the cabinets. Not sure they should have that funny greenish/bluish color to them though. Oh well, what the hell, they seemed to taste okay.

Oh and DDQ .....

Uh ... sorry about that big pile of beer cans on the floor but that’s Queens fault. Well, yeah, I admit that I did drink ~~my fair share~~ ~~most~~ 80% of those beers, but I didn’t make the mess.

See I built this bitchin’ beer can pyramid on the living room floor and was going to leave it for you to see when you got back. Where I’m from we call shit like that “art”.

Anyway, Queen came in Saturday night when I was hanging out watching Barry Bonds tie Hank Aaron’s home run record. Well, being the Queen she starts talking shit, telling me could strike Barry out on 3 pitches. So finally I told her to prove it. So, she takes a medium sized glass from the sink .... oh yeah ... I guess maybe we should have washed the dishes or something too, sorry ‘bout that, I swear Amber said you LOVE washing dishes and to just leave them ... anyway, where was I ... oh yeah ... She gets over on one side of the room and starts doing her Major League Baseball pitcher impression.

She looks in for the sign and of course, being Queen she shakes the guy off. Then she spits .... AND I’M NOT CLEANING THAT UP! ... and then she starts her wind up and lets a fast ball fly right across the room. The ball .. uh ... glass hits the beer can pyramid and the beer cans go flying in all directions. Then Jim yells “STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-RIKE!”. Personally, I thought it was a bit low, but I didn’t want to argue with him.

What a mess!

Of course, some of the cans still had a little “wash back” in them. You know how when you’re drunk and you try to slam what’s left of a beer and some of it dribbles back out of your mouth into the can (and onto your shirt)? Well, some of them had that in them.

I’m sure you can rent a Stanley Steamer and get most of that stuff out. And then maybe spray a little Febreeze around everything will be like new!

So anyway, if you ever need me to help blog sit again just give me a call. I’ll leave the key on the table as soon as I clear off a spot.

Oh yeah ... Welcome Home!!!
J

A postcard to you all!!!

2007-08-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

Everyone, this is Drunk Drama Queen, taking time out of my busy social life onboard the Titanic II to tell you all hello, I love you, I miss you, and please, pray for my soul.

First off I want to say that my social life has really picked up since being onboard! Why didn't _anyone_ ever tell me that guys find women who get drunk easily, and pass out quickly, a huge turn on????

This led to a lot of dates!!! That is the good news.

The dates sucked!!! That is the bad news.

For instance:

Bad Date #5: I was romanced by Raoul on the gang-plank going onto the barge.. I mean cruise ship. He said he would call my cabin and ask me for dinner. He didn't.

Bad Date #12: I met Lou about 10 minutes, and twelve margaritas, after I boarded the ship. He said he would call my cabin and ask me to dinner. He did.

Bad Date #28: I liked Brett. Brett likes Isaac (the bartender).

Bad Date #36: Johnny was the love of my life. I wanted him soooo bad. So did Interpol.

Bad Date #53: Reggie said he loved me and wanted to spend time with me. Then he changed his mind.

Bad Date #69: (c'mon you _know_ there had to be a #69) I thought John was the best looking guy I had ever seen. Total turn on like no one before, and no one will ever be able to hold a candle to him in terns of WOW-power. Turns out we have a lot in common, like most of the same aunts and uncles. Why didn't anyone tell me that my cousin had plastic surgery?

Bad Date #84: Spencer wined and dined me... money was not an object. TONS of jewelry (the real stuff- I had it checked). Then I found out he had stolen my ATM card. Looks like I bought myself some nice stuff. At least Spencer had good taste.

Bad Date #148: My dinner date, Hal on the third evening out. He listened to all my boring stories about Steph, and Amber, and Jim, and Jay. Let me yack on and on. I thought he was the strong quiet type. Turns out he had choked on an appetizer about two minutes after I started talking to him. After hearing some of the stories about Steph, Jim, Amber & Jay, the ships doctor ruled it as a suicide.

Bad Date #206: Karl said I was the woman of his dreams. Turns out 'Karl' is short for Karlene, who likes to play dress-up.

But I will find the perfect man... I swear to God I will find him. Then I will scream at him for making me wait!

Loving you always,
DDQ

PS. Remember, marriage *is* the best form of revenge.

Going With The Flow ...

2007-08-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hello again kids, Jay the Cynical_Bastard here again.

Well, it looks like DDQ’s rampage across the Caribbean continues unabated.

When they visited Jamaica DDQ took to chasing every single man around asking him “Are you Ziggy Marley?” Then she kept walking up to bands at different bars asking “Hey, do you guys play any reggae?” Then came the announcement that there was a sudden rum shortage on the island. Pretending she didn't know who THAT could have happened DDQ decided that there wasn’t any reason to stay on the island anymore and headed back to the ship.

But, the next day DDQ got a little more comfortable with the Jamaican culture. In fact, she’s really gotten into it and has threatened to stay. Here is the picture she sent from Jamaica...

--

I guess I should do something other than post really bad photoshop pictures. So, I figured that since DDQ has such a great relationship with so many of the bums that “live” near her apartment I would tell my favorite bum story. Well, one of my favorites anyway. My actual favorite might be the bum who came running at my roommates car with a baseball bat in Tulsa one night. But, I’m gonna tell the Las Vegas bum story.

I had gone to Vegas by myself cause I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, and on my last day in town I decided I wanted to go to a strip club. Now, we all know that when it comes to strip clubs in Vegas there are a number of choices, but I wanted to go to one of the “high end” clubs.

I settled on the Olympic Garden. At the time they didn’t have the male dancers upstairs, just female dancers both downstairs and upstairs. Anyway, they billed themselves as “The Classiest Gentlemen’s Club in Vegas”. And “The World’s Largest Cabaret.” On top of that the valet at Fitzgerald’s recommended the place. So, it was pretty much a no-brainer.

The place was easy to find as it was right on Las Vegas Blvd just north of the strip. I pulled my little Mitsubishi Mirage rental car into the half-empty lot around 3 or so in the afternoon. I decided to go during the day because we all know that day shift strippers are much nicer. Besides, most brawls happen at night.

Just as I got out of my car and shut the door I turned around to see a bum walking up towards me. My immediate thought was that there was NO WAY I was going to be able to blow him off and walk past him and go inside. He came right up to me and instead of asking for money he actually had a business proposition. He offered to keep an eye on my car and make sure nobody messed with it for “a few bucks.” I thought about that for a minute and decided it was a fair enough deal. So, I gave him a five dollar bill and thanked him for his help and walked towards the front door. When I turned around I saw that he was heading for the Burger King next door.

Now, one thing to remember about rental cars in Nevada (at the time at least, the law may have been changed by now) is the automatic $500 dollar deductible on any damage done to the car when it is in your care. Even if your credit card and own car insurance covers you, you have to pay the $500 bucks. Then it’s up to you to try to get your credit card or insurance to pay you back. Not to mention the stack of paperwork that has to be filled out when you are supposed to be on your flight home.

So, thinking of things in those terms, five dollars wasn’t much of a price to pay.

Anyway, the club was nice and there were many, many beautiful girls working there. And just about all of them were really friendly too. But, I just couldn’t get comfortable though. I just couldn’t seem to give the ladies the attention they deserved and didn’t really enjoy the lap dances as much as I should have.

I kept having these visions of that bum lying on the hood of my car, scratching up the paint with his boots while eating a cheeseburger and fries that I had just bought him. So, after a while I decided to just go ahead and leave.

When I walked out of the club I immediately looked for my car half-expecting it to be gone or at least trashed. But, there it sat, just where I left it. Then I heard a noise and looked to my right and sitting on the curb right next to my car was that bum. He saw me and jumped up and said “I’m glad you came back out, I was getting ready to go get me some refreshments to drink. But, I stayed right here and kept an eye on your car for you like I said I would.”

I assumed that these “refreshments” were supposed to be paid for by me again, so I reached into my pocket and gave him a couple of ones that I failed to give to the dancers on stage. Then I thanked him for taking care of my car and he said I was welcome and headed out towards the liquor store.

As I pulled out of the parking lot I looked up at the big sign that towered over the street that said “The Classiest Gentlemen’s Club in Vegas” and thought “yeah, the one with a bum shaking down tourists stupid enough to drive their rental cars to the club.”

I decided I didn’t want to see what the parking lot of the “least classiest” club looked like.

*I think that DDQs labels need spicing up a bit too. ;-)

Three Drunks and a Wedding

2007-08-02T16:59:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! It's the Berserker Librarian again, doing his part for the guest-blogging of Drunk Drama Queen.

I just want to say that Queen of Dysfunction, Jay- The Cynical Bastard, and Amberthyme have been doing a great job, I think, on filling in the blanks on our Drama Queen.

After reading Amber's last post, though, it got me in the mood to relive another drunk moment with DDQ at a social event. This time, however, there is a twist. DDQ was not the one getting drunk...

Picture it, 1918- okay not so far in the past, but it was a while back... at Amberthyme's wedding reception.

The wedding was great, and then came the reception. DDQ and I sat with a few other friends, including our _dear_ friend Gary.

DDQ and I were talking when she saw me fill up my glass of wine. No surprise there. I am a huge alcoholic. All of DDQ's friends are. She made us that way. But nevermind... I'm talking that through with my therapist next week...

Anyway, back to the reception. DDQ was not surprised to see me fill up my wine glass, but she was laughing as I then proceeded to grab Gary's empty glass, from in front of his unobservant ass, and swap it with my full one.

I had already done this about three or four times.

The evening progressed. Dancing, eating, laughing... and of course, continually swapping out Gary's glass of wine with DDQ's help. We started taking turns to see who could grab his empty glass and swapping it for a full one.

This went on for three hours and four full bottles of wine- or four empty bottles depending on how you look at it- just for Gary.

Around 9 o'clock or so, Gary is barely able to stand up, and saying he thinks he is coming down for something, because he only poured himself two glasses of wine. DDQ turned away, laugh-coughing-choking.

DDQ leaves for a moment, nearly pees her pants she is laughing so hard in the bushes, and then comes back all prim 'n propper. Gar yis so out of it, he did not even notice anything, which nearly set me off.

Then Gary stated he had to leave soon to go to work, becaue they were doing inventory at Toys-R-Us after the store closed.

Ooops.

Don't worry, we did not let him drive drunk. To this day he does not remember going to work, but oddly enough, another employee later told him that someone had pissed in the aisles.

Dare to be Stupid

2007-07-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

It's Amberthyme here. I am honored, if somewhat baffled, to be chosen as a guest blogger for my friend Anne. The other three bloggers,QofD, The Berserker and Jay, are so funny I laugh so hard that my children ask me wierd questions:
"Mommy, why is your leg wet?"
"I spilled."
"Why is your butt wet?"
"I spilled over my shoulder."
"Mommy! Pee goes in the potty!"
My blog is more about me whining and being sappy. So, with the support of the other wonderful bloggers ::hick:: and Anne's "special" cabinet here I go . . .

One fine New Year's Eve my good friend Anne and I decided to get drunk. Not just drunk, pretty much shitfaced. She procured some some oranges spiked with vodka and we debated about the practicality of spiking a watermelon (we decided againgst it. Out of season they were too expensive and we didn't have a large enough pokie thingie to get past the rind anyhow). We took inventory of several different types of alcohol and had profound conversations about their mixability (with each other and other substances), decided on our favorites, and broke out several kinds of fancy glasses from the top shelf of my cabinet. After washing the dust off of them we finally decided to get down to business.
Just then the phone rang.

Newlywed (sort of) Couple: "Hey, wanna come over to our new apartment for New Year's Eve?"

US: Giggle, giggle. "We're planning on getting drunk. Got spiked oranges and everything."

NWCouple: "That's O.K. We're just watching a movie. You guys can come over here and do that."

US: "O.K. Cool."

We packed up the party and drove on over to our friends house.

Over the next several hours we ate oranges, imbibed various vodka oriented mixtures, and watched the movie. While they just watched the movie.

Stephen King's "It" doesn't seem nearly as scary when you're drunk. Especially on the small screen.

Anne: "Dang, Tammy Fay is really caking on the makeup nowadays innt ssshe?

Me: "It's a clown on hemeroids. Um, steroids."

Anne: "No honey, it's a clown on crack. C-R-A-C-K. See when he bends over. Just like a plumber."

Me: "Dude, crack makes plumbers wear makeup? Good thing we're drinking. And not plumbing."
giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle, snort.

After the movie was over and the bottles empty we were wayyyyy too sloshed to drive. I believe we invited ourselves to the couch and the floor. Our lovely female friend had turned in to a pumpkin and retired to her bedroom several hours before this point. But we lounged around talking about stuff when Anne decided she had to wear something else to sleep in. Now! Maybe her pants were too tight? Maybe a wild hair was bothering her but she had to wear something else immediately. So we harassed our good friend into getting something for her to wear. He didn't feel comfortable offering his new bride's clothing to another woman so he brought out his bicycle shorts and a big t-shirt. When she was done changing Anne raised her arm pointed her finger to the sky and proclaimed:

Anne: "I have, finally, gotten into his pants. What?! It's not like I was going to any other way!"

Me: "I" giggle, giggle, "am" giggle, giggle, "going" giggle, "to" giggle, giggle, "pee!!" snort. Thunk, thunk, thunk down the hall to the bathroom.

Shortly thereafter we passed out. The next morning we took our empty bottles and said goodbye. We felt a good time was had by all. Unfortunately, we found out through other people that we were mistaken. They thought that we were "stupid drunks". Isn't that an oxymoron? No, I remember, oxymoron is just fun to say. And write. Besides "stupid drunk" is redundant. We did warn them of our nefarious plan. Muahahahahahahah. ::hic:: Stupidity is in the eye of the sober. I used to get really mad thinking about this story. How rude of them to call us stupid . . .yada, yada, yada. Now, I just look back, blend myself one of those sticky girly drinks, and raise my glass.
Dare to be stupid!
Now, pass the vodka.

Found it!

2007-07-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

Oooh, ooh. QoD I found the cat!

Wait! Don't let the kid pet it . . .
Aaak!
Too late.
I'll go get the turpentine to separate the cat from the child.
I knew I should have waited until the paint dried.
Sigh.

Uh...

2007-07-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

Quick. Is there anyone in the Sacramento-To-Greater-San-Francisco-Bay-Area that has a black cat of medium build that can be trained easily and is willing to have it's mind wiped?

Not that there's uh, any particular reason. You know. Nothing to see here really. I mean unless you have a black cat that you are willing to part with.

(But if you do can you bring a shovel also? Maybe some garbage bags? Oh, and point me in the direction of a reasonably sized plot of bare land that goes at least three feet deep?)

(Not that anything happened Annie. Jay, Jim, Amber and I have everything under control. So just have yourself another pina colada, kick back and enjoy your cruise.)

(But before you get too drunk there's no chance that Cosmic Creepers had a doppelganger with identical tags in the downtown area is there?)

(That's what I thought.)

Cruising Along ....

2007-07-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

Hello kids! Jay from Cynical_Bastard here.

This is, believe it or not, my first EVER guest post, anywhere.

I know it’s hard to believe, given ~~my brilliance and popularity~~ willingness to whore myself out to anybody, anywhere, anytime. Anyway, I know DDQ is counting on me so I promise to apply the same lack of commitment, low standards and complete lack of discretion to this blog as I do to my own. I hope I don’t let her down.

Unlike the Queen of Dysfunction, The Berserker Librarian and AmberThyme, I don’t have any great DDQ stories to tell. Well, there was that one trip to Nuevo Laredo, but since there is no statute of limitations on civil actions, and since we don’t want to embarrass America anymore than we already have, I can’t talk about that.

Honestly, if the donkey had lived I don’t think there would have been a problem. Also, I know many of the people of Nuevo Laredo are poor and all, and probably don't have cable, but I’m still amazed that they actually believed DDQ when she told the locals that our names were Jerry and Elaine. That was some fast thinking!

On a positive note, we left Mexico with a whole new respect for little people.

--

Anyway, I have a couple of updates from DDQ’s trip so far. She’s been having a great time but all the alcohol has led to a few embarrassing situations....

1. Upon landing in Puerto Rico and running into a female worker at the airport she said “Hey J-Lo, what’s happening? Shake that ass baby!”

2. She then embarrassed her whole family by shouting “Doesn’t anyone speak American around here?”

3. As soon as she got on the cruise ship she asked the female greeter “Are you Julie? Where’s Isaac and which bar is tending? I need a drink.”

4. After getting to her cabin DDQ read the instructions for the emergency exercise and decided she should take this very seriously and approach it as if it was a real emergency. So, when the alarm went off she took off down the hallway in her skivvies pushing old people and little kids out of the way while screaming “OH MY GOD!!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”

Once she got to the designated spot she grabbed two kids and told them they were going with her and not their parents. When they asked why she said “Cause I need something to throw out of the lifeboat to the sharks to keep them happy.”

Anyway, she seems to be settled in now and has found out where each bar is located so she feels much better. She even sent a couple of pictures from her first deep sea fishing excursion....

Partyin' Like Rockstars

2007-07-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

Alright, so hello everyone. I'm Steph of Queen of Dysfunction and I'm here with Jay, Jim, and Amber to trash DDQ's place while she's off in the land of giardia and two-bit donkey shows.

Since I'm hungover after partying with the other four in Annie's pad last night, let's kick things of with something easy shall we? How about our experience with Delta fucking airlines during the first girl's vacation I ever took with Annie and our friend Ashley:

If Satan wanted to increase the misery in hell a notch he would do well to enlist the help of a customer service consultant trained by Delta Airlines.

In March of 2005 Annie, our friend Ashley and I discovered that Delta Airlines operates somewhat akin to an un-greased dildo in the ass: you go to delta.com, select your flight then plug in your credit card information. In return for your hard-earned cash you receive an e-ticket confirmation that is absolutely worthless until you arrive at the airport to physically confirm that a plane is at your assigned gate and your flight’s crew actually bothered to show up for work sober.

We purchased tickets to fly from Sacramento, California to Savannah, Georgia for vacation.

We arrived at the airport in Sacramento and was informed immediately that our flight was an hour late, which turned into three hours by the time we boarded. Not to worry, said the flight attendant, our connecting flight was delayed three hours as well.

I think she had intended this to be good news. Instead it left us wondering what army of drunken orangutans had been entrusted to run this operation. As it turns out it was a rather stupid and disagreeable army and calling them orangutans would be an insult to apes.

Finally, three hours later, we were flung into the not-so-friendly skies on board an aging contraption that looked like Wilbur and Orville may have christened it’s maiden flight. As if the rattle-trap condition of the plane weren’t enough, God found humor on this particular afternoon by flinging us around on air currents that resulted in the better portion of the passengers discovering religion.

The plane lurched, shook, swaggered and on several occasions we were treated to a stomach-in-the-throat free-falling sensation which resulted in screaming passengers and loud recitations of the Lord’s Prayer. The three of us (being good Catholic girls and all) managed to produce a rosary over which we clung to one another and half-screamed-half-prayed.

During bumpy flights it is typical for me to watch the flight attendants. If they are nonchalant I relax and try not to let the horrible in-flight movie kill my Wild Turkey buzz. I figure I'll reserve my panic for the occasion I see the flight crew soaked in a nervous sweat and strapping on parachutes. Unfortunately the turbulence was rough enough that the pilot cancelled all drink and meal services and ordered the attendants to their seats… thus leaving us passengers alone to draw our own conclusions regarding what seemed to be our inevitable demise. I would like to posit here that I do not blame Delta for our experience on that flight. Just the awful service we received on the ground.

Fortunately for all aboard, I have the amazing ability to hold an aircraft aloft by clinging to the arm-rest of my assigned seat. After a few passes over the Eastern seaboard, the pilot managed to locate a runway in Atlanta and put the bird down before our own and our fellow passenger's screams rendered everyone deaf. We then proceeded to wait at another gate for our connecting flight to Savannah for another two hours (totaling a five hour delay) before Delta informed all of us that our flight had been canceled due to lack of a flight crew.

That's right. Our flight was not canceled due to inclement weather nor mechanical problems. Delta had simply failed to schedule a crew to fly 150 of us from Atlanta to Savannah after merrily selling us tickets promising they would do so. Of course the gate agents could not resist playfully allowing us to sit around until after 1 AM before informing us they had no intention of delivering us to our destination.

Passengers were directed toward the Delta counter in the main terminal for re-booking. We joined a rivulet of people that soon became a throng of hundreds of would-be Delta passengers whose flights had also been canceled due to a lack of flight crews. It was an absolutely delightful crowd of displaced travelers who converged on the Delta counter at about 1:15 AM, which is when the real fun started.

Once in line we noticed that the crowd was composed primarily of members of the military, the majority of which were obviously on leave from Iraq (the DCUs and desert-issue boots were a dead giveaway). Surely, we whispered amongst ourselves, Delta will make special arrangements for these folks knowing that they have a finite amount of leave to spend with family and friends.

Didn't happen. On top of being laughably disorganized, Delta's employees are pinko commie bastards who obviously hate the USA, God, Mom and apple pie. I was impressed by the level of indifference with which the airline’s agents dismissed all of their customers, even the uniformed ones on leave from serving in Iraq.

Delta placed all of us on stand-by for flights the following day, then informed us that a) they would not be providing hotel rooms for any of us (we were invited to sleep in Hartsfield-Atlanta Airport) b) they would not be providing us vouchers for rental cars so that we could simply drive to our destinations (it was against their policy) and c) they would not be providing us refunds on our fares (this too was against their policy). After waiting in line for fucking ever we also found out that in addition to all this, Delta would refuse to relinquish our baggage to us as well, ensuring that nobody had so much as a toothbrush to get us through the night.

We were re-booked for a flight leaving at 9 PM the following night. We were not allowed to re-book for an earlier flight to Savannah despite the existence of two morning flights into the coastal town (they were already overbooked it was explained). My protests over being stranded for 24 hours in an airport 2,000 miles away from home were craftily ignored by the black-hearted ticket agent in front of me. Instead, she delivered a plasticky-strained smile before flippantly repeating that I was on stand-by for the 9 PM flight the following evening.

In the end we each had to forego the $298.40 (for a total of $895.20 in unrealized airfare) paid for connecting flights between Atlanta to Savannah, pay Avis $130 for a one-way rental to our destination, put out another chunk of change at a Wal-Mart in Macon (the only store open at that hour) for a change of clothes and basic toiletries, and plunk down $30 for a full tank of gas in the rental car before we commenced driving all night from Atlanta to Savannah.

At least we weren't alone. We waited in line at the Avis counter in Atlanta for an hour and a half while the staff there rented cars to a couple hundred of our fellow Delta casualties. We were lucky that there were three of us so that someone could simultaneously stand in another line for our baggage (as we were instructed to do before the same people then told us to fuck off by Delta's elite corps of customer service agents informed us that we would not be allowed to pick up our luggage as the airline was holding it for delivery to our respective destinations.)

The coup de grace was the fact that after spending five hours between 2:30 AM and 7:30AM on the road, we had to return to Savannah Airport the next morning to pick up our luggage... then wait another two hours when Delta failed to meet even that pathetic deadline.

The return trip was only slightly better. Delta imposed more staffing-related delays on all three of our return flights between Savannah and Atlanta, Atlanta and Salt Lake City, and Salt Lake City and Sacramento. This was before losing our luggage between Salt Lake City and Sacramento (which was delivered to each of our homes two days later after baggage handlers had finished using them as wheel chocks and ballistic missile targets.)

The three of us love to travel and welcome low fares. However, we ended up spending more money for a rental car, clothing, toiletries, and a lost evening at a hotel in Savannah that went unoccupied than if we had flown a higher quality carrier such as United or American.

Needless to say, we will NEVER fly Delta again. I think all of us were in agreement that we would sooner hitch a ride with a van full of serial killers armed to the teeth than allow ourselves to be ass-fucked by this company a second time.

...and yes, it wasn't with some small degree of smugness that we watched Delta declare bankruptcy several months after this bastard of a trip.

DRUNK DRAMA QUEEN SETS SAIL!

2007-07-27T23:03:00.000-07:00

Well as many of you know, DDQ asked several people to be “guest-bloggers” during her absence. Myself, Amberthyme, Queen of Dysfuntion, and Jay, the Cynical Bastard.

So, please, let me introduce myself. I’m the Berserker Librarian, one of DDQ’s friends, and kind of an adopted family member, sort of like a “Coosin” which is similar to a cousin, but much more strange.

Drunk Drama Queen asked us to start Friday, so that she could see something before she left. Since it is getting close to midnight on Friday and no one has posted as of yet, I figured I would post a goodbye letter to her, and wish her well. I hope I am not stepping on anyone’s toes…

Drunk Drama Queen, where would we be without you? As your readers will soon discover, you are a woman of many faces. I know that we are all looking forward to sharing our favorite Drunk Drama Queen stories with everyone!

I hope you have a wonderful trip. And, as I told you before, if you meet a great looking guy on the ship, and he is single, and seems perfect for you… he’s gay. Or psychotic. I’m just sayin’!

As you go off on your voyage… I just want to let you know… I will miss ya. I hope you have a great time… and I am jealous as hell that I am stuck in Hellsville, California, while you are having a great vacation!!!

For those of you who are curious as to what DDQ is like in real life. God is she a sarcastic, vindictive, (yet sweet) witch!

In short she is my hero.

Drunk Drama Queen is one of those people who is wonderful to be around… and a total hoot to watch when she goes off on someone! Though, I have to admit, Drunk Drama Queen does sense when she is about to go off, and usually takes steps to prevent serious bodily damage to others… usually.

A few years back, DDQ and I were out miniature golfing with a friend of ours… lets call him Al. Unfortunately Al’s wife was working and could not make it. Which was a shame, because his wife is an awesome person, and a very good friend of mine as well as DDQ’s.. but I digress.

However, two of Al’s “friends” (read idiots who should be sterilized) did. They managed to track us down, and followed us all around the golf course. Lets call them, Josh and Alyssa. By the end of the evening, I realized Josh was pretty much brain dead, and Alyssa barely escaped bodily injury.

It turns out Alyssa knew DDQ in High School. Or, I should say knew of her. DDQ had no clue who this girl was, though the way Alyssa was talking, it made it sound like she and DDQ were almost conjoined lesbian twins or something.

As we are playing, and both Drunk Drama Queen and I are _very_ competitive, Alyssa starts twirling in some kind of retard dance on the golf course, and kicks DDQ’s golf ball away every time it neared the hole. Then she would giggle, like it was so cute. During this, her boyfriend, Josh, kept egging Alyssa on… and DDQ’s face was turning red. I think Josh thought this was funny.

Alyssa then came over and started trying to tickle DDQ as she retard-danced by us. The next thing I know I have claws thrust into my arm. DDQ’s claws. She started growling, like mama-bear who just found out that Goldilocks had just spit in her porridge. “Take my club. Take my fucking golf club."

I have to admit, I was a bit slow on the uptake. I grabbed the club just as DDQ started to use it to brain the annoying insect known as Alyssa. The club actually started swinging through the air before I caught it. DDQ turned and started dragging me away.. Fingernails still sunk into my arm.

I’m not kidding. She drew blood. DDQ apologized later for the damage.

We managed to leave, while I was trying to calm DDQ down, and DDQ was quietly telling me “I don’t want to kill her, really I don’t. I just want her unconscious.”

Soon after that, DDQ had me ordained by the Univeral Life Church... as a Christmas present. While I know she _says_ that she just wanted to give me something unusual, I am pretty sure she only had me ordained so I could try and get Alyssa damned for eternity. That is the kind of person DDQ is... she looks at the long road and the sees big picture.

I have to admit, that one of my favorite DDQ lines is…. “I don’t want to kill her, really I don’t. I just want her unconscious.”

Does anyone else out there have some fun, memorable, or just plain _wrong_ DDQ quotes they would like to share?

DDQ.. Have a good trip. Your blog is in great hands. Just have fun, be safe, get drunk… I know you will be around family, so drinking is mandatory, not an option… and take lots of pictures!

I am just sick and tired...

2007-07-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

I originally wasn't going to post anymore until after my cruise.. but I feel a rant coming on...... no need to stand back..it's a small rant that's been bugging me all day...

Excuse me while I step onto this Soapbox..... (clears throat)

I heard about this on the radio this morning..
Poor little thing.. (sarcastic voice)
Life must be SOOO hard you have to ignore your BASIC HUMAN RESPONSIBILITY and not drive all looped up on COKE AND BOOZE.... What is it going to take? Her killing somebody in a car accident? Brandi (the recording artist) should go talk to her.. all though she wasn't all hyped up on Booze and coke, she did kill someone ...

WTF people??!!!!
I am so sick of hearing about Brittney, and Linsday, and Paris..
Try living like real people.. broke and ignored and see how shitty your life is before you start going all outta control.

WHERE IS THIS GIRLS MOTHER??
That woman is so focused on being Lindsay's friend she has NOT mothered her at all. She is in some kind of weird ass denial I have never even heard of before.....

Okay, stepping off of soapbox. End of Rant..

Cruise time! ALL ABOARD!!

2007-07-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

Hello Kiddies,

Some of you caught on that I'll be going on a cruise soon........ very soon..... How soon, you may ask?
Well I leave for Puerto Rico this Friday.. and the ship sets sail this Sunday evening. I am going on a Caribbean Cruise with my family!! I am sooooooooo excited!!!!! Wade (The birthday boy from the below post) has graciously let me steal his wife to come along with me. We'll be gone for 7 days at sea.

7 days!!! Now don't fret. I have taken preparations and have asked some fellow bloggers to help me out while I am on vacation. A guest host blogger, if you will!
Some of them you know... hell, who am I kidding.. ALL of them you know...

Now ..there were a TON of people I could have asked. I wanted to ask everyone, Snogdot, Wade, Freddie- and everyone else on my links list..
but having EVERYONE write..there would be no one to read.. so I decided on three people who have known me the longest... PLUS someone I have never met (but one of these days we are going to.. I can feel it) but like his writing. Someone who is just as sick and twisted and outspoken as me..

So in a few days, you'll be reading postings from, Queen of Dysfuction, The Beserker Librarian, AmberThyme, and Jay-The Cynical Bastard!!!

I am partly excited and can't wait to read what they have to say...yet mostly terrified because (with the exception of Jay), they have tons of dirt on me and have seen me at my most stupid, most drunk, most childish, most tourrette's ridden, etc...

So enjoy... Whip out the popcorn, strap yourselves in.. you're in for a real treat!

I probably won't be checking this until after I get back.. but I promise to take lots of photos and I am going to TRY and do a Travel Journal so I'll have lots of stories to post.. if I am sober enough to write it all down.. hmmm... I am going to the home of the Pina Colada so I am NOT sure how sober I'll be!

I have never been on a cruise before. Out of the 8 of us going, (My brother, his wife, her parents, my parents, and Me the 7th wheel...and Ashley my saviour from family drama) I am the ONLY one that hasn't gone on a cruise before. The ship is Royal Caribbean's Adventure of the Seas..apparently it's HUGE. It has a miniature golf course, a Rock Climbing Wall, and an ICE SKATING RINK on it. It's your average floating city..

I created a countdown page for the cruise.. it has a small glitch in it and it's repeating some of the info.. but basically it's your basic countdown..
I created it for my family so we can figure out the time we have left before the ship set's sail....
You can check out the countdown HERE

So I'll have a drink for you guys and I leave on Friday. Not sure how much posting I'll be able to do.. but I will check in from time to time... plus I'll be able to read my daily hits of course.. there is always time for that.
Soooooo...taa taa (until I get back)
And Q1, Jay, Amber,Beserker.... don't trash me tooooooo badly.. LOL

Smooches kiddies!

Happy Burfday tooooo yoooou!

2007-07-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

Everyone stop by Wade and say Happy Birthday!!

It's a biggie too... I don't want to snitch...
but it has a 4 and
a 0 in the number!!

He updates his blog less than I do... so make sure you tease him about that.. and tell him I sent you!

Happy Birthday to youoooooo
Happy Birthday to youooooooo
You look like a MONKEY!
That's it..

Hey Kiddies, Check out...

2007-07-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

Please stop by the Beserker Librarian and make sure to say Hello! The BL and I go WAAAAAAY back. In fact, you have seen me talk about him before. He has the best customer service stories, and with his new blog, I hope he gets to tell you some of my favorites! I wonder if he'll tell of the time he stopped me from killing a young girl with a miniature golf putter. (I could have too... no one was looking, one crack to the back of the head..and we could have stuffed her into that windmill)

I have been a bad friend as of late,and haven't been able to go home and visit with him and catch up. Whenever I am in town, he makes time for me. We get to go out, drink A LOT and catch up. We are lucky that we get to pick up right where we left off most times... then we pop over to Amber's and I get to see my Godson.

BL and Amber have known me since I was 16/17 years old. It turns out, years before we met, our paths had all crossed. Once we discovered this, we became like family. We bonded pretty tight. Kinda makes you wonder about Destiny and Karma. Some of my very good friends, it turns out, I've met-before actually meeting them. ..if that makes sense.... I know, that no matter what happens in our lives, that we'll be there for one another and will drop everything and run to each other if one of us is in trouble. I've been pretty lucky that way. I've been blessed- I can also say the same about Q1 and her brother-Matthew, Steele, Bob-a-leh, Lillian,my RSP family, Shaleen and her husband Gregory, and of course I can't forget about Wade and his wife-Ashley.

Sorry for the Hallmark Card ramble-I've been in a mood lately. Kinda depressed about my romantic life- or LACK thereof- but on the other hand, suddenly aware of how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends ... I have drifted away from my main point- anyway BL has a new blog- visit him, read him,let him crack you up and please make sure to tell him his COOSIN misses him...

Friggen Mail!!!!

2007-07-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

One day this week my mailbox received an enormous amount of junk mail and the postman put a notice saying that the post office has kidnapped my mail and are holding it for ransom. I have to go there and promise to turn over my first born son(if I ever have one) to get my mail back. I HATE my mailbox. It's one of those old fashioned ones from when Jesus had his mail delivered. It's only two inches wide and with all this FRIGGEN JUNK MAIL.. I have to tear my mail to shreds trying to get it out of that stupid hole..
Grrrrr
I need a house.
When I get back from the cruise I am going to get my finances in order.. this is ridiculous!

The Differences Between Men and Women

2007-07-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

This was emailed to me- too good not to share

MEN & WOMEN : THE DIFFERENCES

NICKNAMES:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

DINING OUT:

And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: Go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Larry the Laundry Nazi

2007-06-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a wild hair up my ass and decided to do some laundry. It was 8 pm and the laundry room at my apartment closes at 10pm. It doesn't lock up or anything, it's just a sign on the door. I figured two hours was enough time to get one load of laundry done.

At 9:45 I went down to go fold my clothes from the dryer. If I just toss them back into my Ikea laundry hamper- straight from the dryer without folding them-they will NEVER get folded and put away. So I like to fold them fresh from the dryer right there. It took me a little over 15 minutes. I was quiet. I didn't want to disturb any of the neighbors that live above. I am a very conscientious tenant. Actually I have "lived" (with my theatre schedule, I am hardly here..just come home to sleep, basically)here for over 6 years. Sometimes I'll be around the complex and someone will ask if I've just moved in because they don't recognize me. Anyway, I finish folding and head out.

There is this man standing outside the door waiting for me to come out. He is impatiently looking at his watch and tapping his foot. He says in a high pitched voice,
"This Laundry room closes at 10 pm!"
I ask, "I am sorry, what time is it now'
"10:03 pm- I am going to report this to the manager, this is unacceptable. People are trying to sleep up there"
"Do you live above? I was just folding my clothes and trying to keep quiet...."
"No, I live on the other side, I am just trying to keep order."
He was really pissed, loud, and yelling at me at this point.
I started to get a little pissy ,myself.
I bitched,
"Well technically my clothes were done at 9:45 and I was just FOLDING my clothes. I was quiet. I bet if you even ask the people upstairs (if they are even home) that they didn't even notice I was in here. I was careful to open and close the door with out making a ruckus. Frankly, I don't think it's any of your business, asshole, to be the laundry monitor on a Friday night. I am NOT disturbing the peace, having a party...in fact, shithead- you are being quite a nuisance right now yelling at 10 o'clock at night out here"
Then he fixed his stare at me and glaringly said,
"Well, aren't you scared to be alone out here at night- by yourself?? Things can get pretty dangerous"
I looked at him,"Is that a THREAT?"
He looked worried, backed off, and said,
"he he..I was just kidding...but you don't know me- you don't know what I could do so you shouldn't talk to me like that"
I said,
"Look Gladis Kravitz- I am NOT threatened by you. For starters I am about three feet TALLER THAN YOU. I probably weigh more than you do, and I am pretty sure I could body slam you into the wall right now and leave you more brain damaged than you allready are. Do NOT mess with me. Besides- who do you think the manager is going to be more upset with? A tenant who has lived here for 6 years-without a complaint or problem -staying quietly THREE FUCKING minutes past the time in the laundry room not bugging anyone- or Larry the Laundry Nazi all up in every one's business and threatening tenants??? Maybe I should report YOU to her AND to the Police. Threats are a form of terrorism, Schmoehawk."
He muttered something that I think was an apology and stormed off. I didn't see what apartment he went to.

This morning I told the apartment manager this, and she said that she has warned him before of minding his own business and if he isn't happy with how she runs this complex, he is free to move out at any time. She'll remind him to keep his mouth shut.

On my way back I ran into my downstairs neighbor who told me that he had heard everything last night. When he heard that jerk threaten me, he was about to come out and put a stop to it- but then he saw and heard what I said, and was really impressed how I handled it. He knew I could take care of myself, but wanted me to know he would have come out if needed and if that happens again to knock on his door. That made me feel good.

I finally put the site meter on my blog. So now Big Sister is watching, kiddies. I'll be able to catch the lurkers!! LOL

So far I've allready gotten one dude who stumbled across my blog searching for drunken woman videos...
great.... now I can add PERV Magnet to my title.....

Smooches!

Before my Godson was born...

2007-06-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

Check out Amber's blog and read of a time where I convinced an entire Beer Bus that Amber was an unfit mother who was going to give her unborn child Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. (It really wasn't the case- she just needed an air conditioned seat while I got to drink booze) but we still enjoyed the dirty looks from people…
I told her to put the certificate she got afterwards in Therin's baby book..

As I remember the tale. We were at the County Fair early to catch Huey Lewis and the News ( He puts on a really good show. He's playing at the State Fair Again this year, I believe- I will have to go check that out). For some reason I didn't feel like embracing my redneck roots and wasn't up for hobnobbing with the Monster Truck folk.. So we walked around the fair seeing Darwin's model of evolution play out right in front of our very eyes. Like Bill Engvall has said, "I saw people there that could be their own DAD".

It was so hot that birds were falling from the sky fully cooked. Amber was very close to her due date and I was certain that she was going to "pop" at any minute. Every time she groaned or adjusted her position I screamed, "Is it TIME??". Her husband said I was more nervous than HE was! I was so amazed on how calm she was. She never complained. In that heat, being that preggers- I would have been a complete DIVA.

Finally I saw relief to that summer heat. I didn't see the whole title of the bus..
I just saw "BEER BUS".
It mentioned beer tasting! I suddenly heard a choir of angles sing "Hallelujah".`
I looked at Amber- gave her a wink.
Then I asked the guy out front
"Is it Air Conditioned in there?"
He said, "Yes mam, it is. But you have to sign this clipboard- everyone is allowed one visit only"
I looked back at Amber.
"It's a chance for you to cool off and rest your feet"
She hesitated
"But Anne, it's a BUDWEISER bus… you said Budweiser is the devil"
"I know.. But it's hot and at this point I'm not picky- it's free booze for me..a cool down for you…and think of the looks you'll get! You can put the certificate in the baby book! …. Sadly from the looks of the crowd, I bet you're not the only pregnant lady that's been in here today- but I bet you're the first responsible one that won't drink!"…

Her eyes sparkled at the thought of causing trouble.. She got a mischievous grin on her face.
"Let's do it- what the hell"

We walk in- we were some of the last people to come in. Just to be a real shit, I picked seats right in the middle where we would have to walk by people. Some gave looks, some gave her high fives!
One lady gasped and said, "I can't believe SHE would be in HERE!" - real snotty like.

I piped up, " What? Haven't you seen a knocked up woman drink before? Relax Lady, Sheesh!"

We sat and listened to some guy tell us how beer was made. Then it was time for the taste testing. They passed around 6 or 7 trays will little itty bitty cups… like the kind you make Jello Shots with… it maybe held two little sips of beer at the MOST.

I whispered to Amber-
"You're doctor told you you could have a taste of alcohol and it wouldn't hurt the baby right?"

She looked at me, "What in the hell are you planning, my dear?"

I said, "How adventurous are you?"

"Oh dear God- you're going to get us kicked out of here aren't you"

"No, the beer guy is watching us..he can see us…but the people behind us can't. If I take my sample- but leave two drops in it.. Enough for you to get your taste buds remembering what booze tastes like, you can knock it back and make it look like you're chugging it"

The beer guy overheard us and burst out laughing. He advised us we better not-lest a revolt. So Amber did take a sip to refresh her taste buds and we both got our certificates. I lost mine years ago. I had almost forgotten about that story until her post mentioned it..

The whole time she was pregnant with my Godson, I would talk into her tummy right to him. We didn't know he was a "He" yet- so I would just scream,
"HI BABY- THIS IS YOUR GODMOTHER- I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU"

I would always yell into her stomach. Most of the time to embarrass her….because I would scream it at the top of my lungs.....
Things like:
"I love you"
"Your mommy's a whore"
"Daddy isn't hurting Mommy- they are just doing some 'Naked Wrestling'"
.....Stuff like that.

A few days after the concert- actually a few days before my Godson was born. We were cleaning out their old apartment and we were all on the floor taking a dinner break. Amber stood up (after a struggle), and her preggers tummy was right in my face so I took this as an open invitation for me to yell at the baby.

I yelled. "HI BAB……." and immediately started to laugh.

Amber just looked down at me, and said,
"You just realized you're screaming into my crotch-didn't you"

"yep" was all I could muster in between giggle fits.

That was the last time I got to yell into her tummy. My Godson was born a short time later, and I was living out of town when she was carrying her other two children.

It's funny the things you remember……

"Happy Period", My ASS!!!!

2007-06-11T11:39:00.000-07:00

This was forwarded to me, so I know it's made the email rounds.. some of you may have seen it allready- but I think it's too funny not to post... besides- it accurately describes how I am feeling today...
Enjoy -

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
- - - -
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your Revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy"about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man.

If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like,

"Put Down the Hammer"

"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?

Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.

And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Damn you, Q1!!

2007-06-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

I have sat at my computer for two and a half days and I cannot think of anything to Top Q1's story of our lunch! Grrrrrrr.....

She and I are going to get together soon, and make a video to introduce you to my new friend LOLA- created one day out of boredom and 6 cups of coffee.. see her post to see a picture of LOLA since my work computer is giving me issues with adding a picture here- GRRRRRRR

So since I can't top her hysterical recount of our lunch- I will tell you of the time 7 years ago when she- after a night of dive bar hopping- passed out on my parents lawn.

She had a rough day. I was home for the summer after graduating college. She called me from the bay area where she commuted to work (a two hours drive from our hometown). She had a screaming match with her ex, lost her keys and was waiting for the locksmith to come and re key her car so she could go home(turns out her keys were in her console the whole time). She was in tears. So like any good friend, I told her to get a sitter and she was going to spend the night at my folks and we would get rip roaring drunk out on the town!

Our town was small- so we picked three dive bars and went and had a few drinks at each. The third and last bar was the skankiest hole I have ever seen (and being a dipsomaniac, I've been to quite a lot-lol). This is a bar that opens at 9 am and there is ALWAYS a few people just lined up waiting to get in...

We walk in and I immediately whisper to her- don't touch anything without washing your hands afterward. We find two seats at the bar and order drinks.

Two Rednecks suddenly get their eye on us. One we'll call "Bubba". He wore your typical redneck attire: Red plaid flannel shirt and camouflage hunting hat, belt buckle bigger than his head, cigarette dangling from his mouth, and four days worth o'stubble on his cheeks. His buddy was about two years younger than GOD and kept popping his dentures out and in, out and in (as if this was going to impress us). I call him "Ole Click Click".

They asked us our names and I (thinking quickly) immediately said,

"My name is Julia and this here is my friend, Sally."

There was No way in Hell these losers were going to know our real names. Actually I felt that I was hot shit coming up with Alias so damn quickly- lol

They asked us to play Liars dice. We obliged (as long as they were buying the drinks). About 7 drinks later- consumed rather quickly to avoid conversation with Bubba and Click Click- Bubba turns to me and asks me what I want for breakfast in the morning....

I start laughing out loud... until I realize he's being serious and wants me to come home with him.

EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW -SCREAM- EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW

I grab "Sally" and we get the hell out of there. We get in the car and drive about a half mile,when Q1 turns to me and says- I'm too tipsy and don't know where we are. I know exactly where we are since it was the old neighborhood where I grew up. I am feeling no pain, but can still drive (I realize now, BIG MISTAKE and am thankful we didn't get into an accident). We pull over and switch seats. I drive home. As we pull up to my parents house, I struggle trying to find the parking break. I turn to ask Q1 where the damn thing is located- only to find that she's no longer in the car. She is on my parents lawn. Ass end up and splayed out. I start yelling at her,

"My parents can NOT come home and find you on the lawn!!"

I somehow manage to get her and me into the house and tucked into bed....

The next day we were supposed to go to my Hee Haws and volunteer at my families Charity Softball Tournament. (I had an uncle who was a pretty damn good ball player- almost went pro- but was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died when I was five. Every year my cousins sponsor a softball tournament in his name and the proceeds go to a Cancer patient and their family)... We went- BUT Q1 SLEPT THE WHOLE DAMN TIME AND I HAD TO HOBNOB WITH MY HEE HAW RELATIVES BY MYSELF.... oh- did I mention she agreed to go with me so I wouldn't have to DO THAT... LOL

So there ya have it. Our Bubba and Click Click story. It's kinda sad that one of the few times I've ever been "hit on" was by Moses and his redneck twin... I guess it kind of scars you for life...

Is she FUCKING STUPID?????

2007-05-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

(This weekend I'll try to post about my lunch with Q1 -Jesus, does she get pissy when you give her kids Jolt Cola and a Cookie! Read here about her version of lunch...)

What the hell is wrong with THIS woman?? If my husband tried to hire someone to kill me, the only reason I would try and get back together with him is perform some Nija like death moves and rip his spine out of his asshole...

Lunch tomorrow with Q1

2007-05-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

I am so excited!
I am having lunch with the Queen of Dysfunction tomorrow!!
I haven't seen her in many months.... I cannot wait to catch up. She is bringing her camera so I KNOW we'll both have a story for you as soon as we can.

I am pretty sure we'll stay sober- since I have to return to work, and she'll have to go pick up her 6 year old from school..

You would think living 20 minutes from one another we would see each other more often- but we suck.. we get so wrapped up in life we forget to take time out for one another.... but it's nice that since we've known each other so long- we don't get offended and we understand. We pick up right where we left off...

Hmmmm- Q1- should I tell the tale of our bar night many moons ago- with Ole Click-Click and Bubba?

Wadda Hell??

2007-05-18T10:18:00.001-07:00

I have been up since 12:30 am.

I was sleeping peacefully beforehand, until the sound of a police helicopter and the cop on the PA system woke me up.

I have no clue what they were saying- it sounded like Charlie Brown Teacher noises, "Waa wa waa waaaaa, wa waa wa waaaaa"

They had the spotlight on so I know they were looking for either an Alzheimer's patient loose about town...... or a serial killer inches away from my front door. ..

In all actuality I was perfectly safe. My complex is gated, and I live on the second floor.

It still scared the hell out of me. Every time I calmed down to go back to sleep- BAM! There would be the helicopter with it's bright spotlight shining into my window- and the Charlie Brown loudspeaker going off...... It shouldn't of frightened me...but it did. My mind just kept coming up with elaborate stupid scenarios blowing it all out of proportion...

With the first pass I thought-
"okay, It's probably a felon that just broke out of prison and he is probably in the bushes outside"
Second pass- " He's now probably in the complex, I wonder what he went to prison for and how did he break out?"
Third pass-" Okay, the Serial Killer Rapist Cat Burglar toting a Machete and Jason mask is tapping on my door"

I couldn't find anything online about what the hell was going on (still haven't)... but I couldn't sleep after that so I just stayed up......

My staff are wondering why I am a zombie this morning.... I told them Charlie Brown and his GOD DAMN helicopter kept my ass up all night.

They are starting to look into Alcohol Treatment Facilities to throw my ass into-(A-la-Britney)

If any of you kiddies read this and know what happened, wake my ass up and let me know!!

Smooches

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

2007-05-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

The top 10 Unintentionally worst company URLs

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity.
Their domain name:
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com

6. The Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always:
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is:
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these art designers, and their website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at:
www.gotahoe.com

Well,I thought my three year break was over...

2007-05-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

I thought I was in the free and clear.

I figured- it's been three years- there should be no way it would happen again.

The area isn't dominated by homeless people anymore, there shouldn't be a reason why I would be accosted or chased again.

I
WAS
WRONG.

This morning at 7 am I go out to my car. My carport is in the alley behind the complex. The alley is usually pretty quiet since it has 16th street on one side of it, and that street is really busy. I open up my passenger side door and throw my work bag in. As I am shutting that door, at the end of the alley (about 8 yards away) I hear, " Motha Fucker took all my shit" really loud.
I think ,
" Great- a batshit one- Stay calm, he probably doesn't see you, just go about your business".

Well, he did see me. Stops turns and stares at me and proceeds to scream at me,
" That's right Bitch, I'm gonna put my fist through your fuckin' mouth"
and starts to come at me.

I have no where to go quickly, but in my car. I run to my drivers side door, get in and start it (which automatically locks the doors). He's screaming the whole time charging at me,
"that's right. Bitch…" yada, yada, yada.

He's now at my driver's side window- still yelling and screaming at me and telling me what he's gonna do to me (The schpiel sounds familiar, I am thinking it could be the same guy 6 years ago back on 17th and N- the guy that said he was gonna rape me)

I can't find my cell phone- it's at the bottom of my work bag (it fell out of it's little holder when I tossed my bag in the car)

So I think quickly and hit the panic button on my car alarm. My car alarm goes off and he backs away and covers his ears. I throw my car into reverse and get the hell outta there.
He was still screaming when I left…
And Happy Fucking Friday……
After my cruise, I need to start looking for a house…

Another Odd Wedding

2007-05-09T14:59:00.000-07:00

What is it with my family and weddings?

Whenever we attend one (unless we're in them) there is ALWAYS a story to tell…

This Sat a son of dear family friends was getting married. I used to baby-sit the kid (which depressed me even more). The bride's parents are loaded and it was really fancy.

Apparently this woman is a PRINCESS - with a capitol "P". I know a wedding is supposed to be about the bride - but this was overkill. Almost the entire wedding party were her family members. The groom was allowed to have his 3 brothers, and one friend.. The rest were her relatives… 8 bridesmaids and groomsmen apiece, 4 flower girls- each with their own usher, 2 bridal attendants, three junior bridesmaids, two candle lighters, 7 dwarfs, a pony, a marching band and a partridge in a pear tree…. Not a female friend in the whole shebang. I heard that she doesn't have any- she gets competitive and pushes them away. She also puts Martha Stewart to shame, apparently.

The first reading was a reading all about how the wife is the most important role in the relationship- A good wife compliments her husband, a good wife- yada yada snore…

Anyway.. I guess during the photo's she took all the ones with her family, then when it came time to take the grooms family photos- she threw a hissy an started crying, " I cannot take ONE more photo"… sob sob sob. So the groom talked to her and calmed her down and she agreed to one group photo with the grooms family..

There were 500 people at this wedding. The reception had two rooms, one with a VIP guest list- and a separate riff raff room for everyone else. The cake, bridal party entrance, toasts, dance floor and video were all in the VIP room. We crashed the VIP room early because we did not want to sit with the riff raff ( we got a tip from the grooms mom).

During the reception the bride only hobnobbed with her families tables. She casually looked over at our table and rolled her eyes and kept on moving-

They also had a video clip of various photos of the bride and groom. Let me rephrase that- the first 15 minutes were of the bride. Then there was a 2 minute clip of the groom. Then 5 minutes of them together.. Then a video of the bridal party getting ready (again 95% bride- 5% groom)… what struck me as odd was that in every picture of her it looked completely empty inside.. She was a beauty queen and you could tell she went to that class that shows you how to smile perfectly while looking completely lobotomized

Oh- I almost forgot.. She wore a Vera Wang-esq gown that I would never be able to afford unless I sold a kidney, spleen, and half a lung-
Well at the end of the night, she was so sweaty and hot that she had to be CUT OUT OF IT!

I behaved myself this time- (all though there was an open bar… )

My brother and father on the other hand got extremely hammered. My brother puked out the car window the whole way home…
And my father kept talking and talking and slurring and talking and talking- at one point he referred to the dog as his "daughter…. And he announced that he wasn't driving because he wanted to become a grandpa" my sister-in-law advised him that now was not the appropriate time to be having the grand kid speech…

but that wasn't the worst of it…….well…

After we all settled in for the night (after cleaning up my brother's mess and pouring him into bed)- I took a shower. Afterwards, I walked into the living room and noticed my dad on the floor sprawled out- staring into space not talking. (He has knee problems and NEVER voluntarily sits on the floor)…For a minute I worried he perhaps had a stroke-
I asked, "Daddy are you okay?"
"NO."
" What's wrong?"
"I'm fucked up!"
"Can you get up?...and why is your chin bleeding?
"I am trying to get up- I fell down and went boom" (He drunkenly slurred)
I ran and got my mother- and she and I spent 15 minutes trying to get my dad into bed- We had some roadblocks…. He was certain his bedroom was in the garage, his pants fell off in the kitchen, Once in bed the room spun so he put his foot down on the floor…

He is NEVER living this one down… My mother told him the next morning that he is cut off from booze until our cruise- and if he " pulls this shit during the cruise, I will push your drunk ass overboard and they will never find your body. Your name will be in the paper and everything…. "

God, I love my family!!!

The Sons of Bitches....

2007-05-04T09:03:00.000-07:00

So during my blogging absence I was asked to perform in a good friends production of Camelot for another theatre company. This company is a long running amateur theatre company outside of town. The people that run it are very nice and have been friends with the theatre company I serve on as one of the Board of Directors for several years.

The part was a bit part - Morgan Le Fey- but fun. She was wild, outrageous, larger than life. I've studied Celtic Lore for several years and have always been intrigued about this historic character from the Arthurian Legends. I jumped at the chance. It was good for several reasons. I would be helping out some friends, I'd be meeting some really nice new people. It was only one scene in Act II, my director from Steel Magnolias was also in it… it was all good.

I had a lot of fun with the production. I met some awesome people, made a lot of people laugh.. I was given freedom to do anything with my makeup as long as it was loud and fairy like… I glued so much glitter to my face I looked like a disco ball drag queen. In fact- you could have hung a disco ball with a red wig on it and no one would have known the difference! LOL

One Sunday Matinee all hell broke loose.

My role required me to climb a rickety ladder through a trap door onto an 12 foot tall structure overlooking the audience. There was a curtain hiding me (when it was time- there was a light that would burst on and I would "magically appear"). It was all spooky.

I usually started climbing the ladder early- another cast member had to spot me and hold the ladder anytime I went up or down. So this one Sunday I get into my place during the song that's before my scene. I am standing up there in the dark.. When I start to smell something…. Have you ever turned on the heater in the fall and smelled that "burning dust" smell? It kinda smelled like that…

Then I saw smoke hitting the lights.. Not heavy smoke- just wisps of it… I thought- is there a lighting gel on fire? I see a few people in the audience (I could see them, but they couldn't see me just yet) get up and leave coughing…

I then see the person in the lighting booth freaking out and running back and forth. Suddenly the lights come on and there is an announcement-
"Everyone stay calm. You are all perfectly safe- there is a truck parked outside the theatre that is on fire. The Fire Department has taken care of it- but we are going to stop the show for a few minutes."

The cast freaks- some start to change their clothes to go home- other's ran to the far side of the stage to get a glimpse of the fire…

Did anyone remember the sparkly bitch at the top of the platform????
NO.
Those SONS OF BITCHES LEFT ME UP THERE TO BURN. ..
They FORGOT about me!

I didn't want to draw any attention to myself because the audience hadn't quite noticed me up there yet (although I was somewhat visible at this point)- so I tried to flag people down across the stage. I started waiving my arms at people-
One guy in the chorus noticed!
"Oh thank GOD", I thought to myself- and waived both my arms in that HELP ME I AM TRAPPED kind of way..

That asshole smiled and waived back as if I was saying "hello".
He turned around and went on his merry way!
I could have killed him.

After a few minutes we started the show back up, I did my shtick and as soon as I was done I marched into the guys dressing room and yelled at that moron.
"Hey- the next time someone is flailing their arms like this- it means ' rescue me from this ledge before I fall down the trapdoor'- asshole!"

Sheesh.

Overall though- it was a very nice production and the audiences loved the show. We sold out on several performances and I hope to work with a few of those folks again! Provided that I don't have to climb anything to be left up there to burn and waived at by retarded chorus members….
Tee hee!

Kiddies- I AM BACK!!!

2007-04-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

I cannot tell you how much I missed this over the past few months. My work became UBER sucky all of a sudden( I am sure they had weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil..I don't know what they charged him...) and I wasn't able to post. Work was clamping down and I was being pulled different directions. I tried to post a comment or two in my last post explaining my absence...
I couldn't post in the evening due to either theatre, or being completely exhausted I would just fall into bed and pass out into a COMA.....

But all things aside- I am back and with a VENGEANCE.
Work has changed recently. I received a PROMOTION! I am now a supervisor in a completely different program area. I have never been a sup before so I am experiencing a whole new world. Plus this is a production unit and I need to get familiar with their workload. So once I hire some new staff I'll go through New Hire Training with them. That will be hard, going from a trainer (old position) to a student... but tee hee- I promise I'll be good.

More to follow!

Now THAT'S pissed!!

2007-02-06T14:13:00.000-08:00

The other day while driving to rehearsal, I saw something rather odd.

Now, keep in mind, that I live downtown in a major metropolitan area. I have seen some pretty bizarre shit...
I've heard people scream outside Dorothea Puente's House in the middle of the night, " Help me, help me- Da Bitch is trying to stab me"

I've been accosted by numerous panhandlers.

I've been told by a woman who lives in a shopping cart that Jesus talks to her pet Iguana named Irving. But Irving doesn't listen because he's agnostic. She wishes Jesus would talk to her instead, because she, unlike Irving, is a Christian.

I've even been chased by a homeless man in a wheelchair. (That, kiddies, is another story for another time)

But nothing compares to what I saw that afternoon. I was stopped at a red light, in a somewhat quiet residential street.

There was a young man- in his late 20's or early 30's, kinda grungy looking.....
(now, I know you are saying , "Uh, DDQ??? There is nothing odd about that" - Well, humor me for a few moments, will ya?)

He was standing on top of the roof of a Green Honda Civic.
There was a young gal locked inside and screaming with all her might....

and the guy was peeing on the hood of the car.
Yes, that guy was up on the roof of the car, assuming the pee pee stance...... and PISSING onto the hood!

Now coming from a party school..and living downtown I have seen people pee before. I've seen drunken coeds peeing in the alley behind the bar. I've seen my drunk ass college roommate pee in the curb outside a club. Hell, I've even seen an actress (in a wedding dress) piss in the greenroom sink right before her entrance! But at no time have I ever before seen someone piss while standing on top of a car with such bravado and confidence....

I don't know how long he'd been holding that in.. or how much he drank beforehand.. but that dude was pissing for quite sometime. The light I was at changed TWICE -before someone behind me started to honk and I had to leave- and it seemed like he was still peeing as I left.

Now I have been so angry at someone that I have threatened to go pee on their tires... I never have carried it out, though. If I was so brazen to actually go carry that thought out- I would go in the dead of the night and drag someone,like Q1, as a lookout or backup... I have never been that -pardon the pun- "pissed" to actually do it in the middle of the afternoon like that!

That, my kiddies, is pretty "pissed off"!!

You look like a Monkey, and you smell like one too!!

2007-02-05T12:15:00.000-08:00

Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy
BIRTHDAY, Q1!!!

Everyone make sure you go to Queen of Dysfunction and wish her a Happy Birthday. No matter how long we've known each other (I think it's 15 years now)... or how old we get, I'll always cherish the fact that she'll ALWAYS be a year older than me!!!!!!

Hip Hip (as in don't break yours, you old bat) Horraaaaaaay!!

A Poem to my Steel Magnolia's cast and crew...

2007-01-29T15:09:00.000-08:00

6 women changed my life.

They altered my state of being.

These women (with the help of two fine men) made me think differently about:

Life, happiness, love and strength.

They made me empowered as a woman. They showed me courage.

They showed me truth.

These women: M’Lynn, Shelby, Truvy, Clairee, Ouiser and Annelle,

offered me something no other role has- Hope.

Hope to be a better actress, a better friend….

A better woman.

And to the souls behind these characters: Deb, Kris, Eileen, Janice, Susan,
(and Paul and David too):

Thank you. You laughed with me through Bigger-Than-Life-Hair and 8 pounds of turquoise eye shadow. You giggled with me as I tried to keep a straight face with my bits with Susan. You cried with me and gave me the strength and the emotion to give my “Guardian Angel” monologue. All of you inspire me to do great things. And if it wasn’t for David, NOTHING would get done. Thank you, David for busting your ass every night.

And to Paul- Words cannot express my gratitude.

M’Lynn says it best, “You have no idea how wonderful y’all are”.

6 women (and two men), changed my life….. Thank you, I am truly honored and touched that I was able to join you for such a beautiful ride…….it truly has been a pleasure to work with every single one of you. I would do it again in a heartbeat!
Hugs and kisses!

Stress by the Buttload

2007-01-26T10:04:00.000-08:00

This week I took a Promotional Exam for a second level analyst classification. It is a 5-7 question test given by a panel. It's an oral (tee hee- I said "Oral") interview. I also took the supervisor exam along with it (an additional 2-3 questions).

I've been cramming all bloody week. I felt like a high school student that all of a sudden realized that finals are two days away and I haven't done a damn thing to prepare!

I freaked out. I had a major panic attack meltdown at the office on Tuesday. I kept going into random cubicles and crying. I kept shouting things like, " I don't know the 7 step analytical process!"
and
" I can't remember the steps to sending out a successful email"

See, this exam isn't about what you know. It's about your thinking process. Can you think like a second level analyst.... On Tuesday I didn't feel qualified to think like a 2nd GRADER much less than a 2nd level analyst or a supervisor.

Well, the day came and went. That morning I had the shakes so bad it looked like I was going thru detox. I almost passed out at one point. I found this highly amusing. I can get onstage infront of thousands of people and make a complete JACKASS out of myself...but one interview stressed me out so much I had the green apple splatters for three days.

But during the interview I think I did ........okay. It was really really hard! (tee hee, I said "hard")
I hit most of the main points and on at least TWO of the questions, I knocked it outta the ballpark. I babbled on in some parts like a "Beauty and the Geek" supermodel on a three day cocaine binge.

But I survived. Thankyouverymuch.

I'll know my ranking in two to three weeks. That means I'll know how I did in comparison with how everyone else did. The top three ranks are the ones eligible to APPLY for a promotional position. The remaining ranks have to wait until the others clear..... How I just loooooooove how government jobs work!

So I don't care what your spiritual preferences are, pray for me in these remaining weeks. Ask Buddha, God, Ganesha, Goddess, Father Sky, Mother Earth, or if you're agnostic- just think good thoughts for me -that I rank high enough so I can promote to another area!

So that's the back story on why I haven't posted much lately....
I've been too much of a basket case that I didn't even have a cocktail until this damn thing was over..
Now I am going to go seriously get back to working on my drinking problem.

Smooches to all!
DDQ

Alcohol Warnings!

2007-01-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Confessions of a Tooth Fairy...

2007-01-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

For my beautiful Godson, Therin, and his mother, Amber.

This is from the famous LA sketch comedy troup "The Groundlings" ...

How I love them...

My sad life......

2007-01-10T22:06:00.000-08:00

Last night (in the few hours I was able to catch some zzzzz's -damn Insomnia sucks) I had a lovely dream.

I was in an Irish castle with Liev Shrieber (yummy yummm yummm).

He was wearing a white collared dress shirt with the top three buttons undone.. and a black blazer- kinda rumpled- as if we just came back from a dinner party..

It was completely romantic. There were candles, a roaring fire in a HUGE fireplace with one of those big fuzzy white bear skin rugs in front.

We were dancing……...

gimme a moment……..

Sigh…… (savoring the memory)

He spins me outside into a courtyard and begins nuzzling my neck.
I am about two seconds away from turning into melted butter..
He kisses me…
He goes back to my neck..
And starts kissing my shoulder..
Then oddly starts licking my shoulder feverishly….and keeps licking- working down my arm..
He is licking it so hard it starts to hurt….
And not the good kind of hurt..

I wonder what the hell kind of freaky dream is this?? I start to wake up..
And realize it's my damn cat CC -up on the bed, going to town, licking my arm…

Thank GOD I woke up before the dream went any further.. It could have gotten REALLY embarrassing..
Apparently CC had a salt deficiency or something.. He spent almost 20 minutes licking my arm..
Damn spazoid cat…

Helluva dream though.. That's my new happy place…(sigh)

This is why I am through with online dating

2007-01-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

I was too hung over for New Years (I'm a drunken whore)

2007-01-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

I went to a wedding on Sat. It was the youngest daughter of family friends. Their oldest daughter and I have been best friends since kindergarten. My brother and the Bride were best buds growing up also. Her parents are like second family..... we are all so happy for her and her cute husband. They are so happy together and are a really cute couple. With my friend Amy's wedding at the beginning of December- Sat made it the 2nd wedding in a row where I actually had FUN- I believe that (knock on wood) my wedding curse just may be perhaps over!!
This wedding on Sat was AWESOME for two reasons.
#1- the ceremony itself was short- yet classy
#2- the reception had a hosted bar....

Needless to say, I became very shitfaced in a short amount time. How shitfaced did I get??
Well, boys and girls- I proceeded to call everyone in my cell phone address book and give them their friendly neighborhood "Drunk Dial"......

I did this for several reasons..
I was bored and tired of dancing,
It was awfully warm in the reception hall so I had to step out for some air,
I was in Oakdale (small cowboy hick town not too far from where I grew up)
and I had about 7 glasses of 7 and 7's (Seagrams 7 and 7up)

Q1 was spared my drunken warbling. I was coherent enough to think ahead- that if I did leave an answering machine message I didn't want her to have to explain the drunken ranting of a tourette's patient to her 6 year old.....

"Mommy, why is Aunti DDQ slurring and screaming naughty words?"

"It's Saturday night, honey- you'll get used to it..."

However, my buddy Wade was not so lucky. See his post here to listen to the actual voicemail I left him......

In my defense- this all sounded a LOT better in my head than how it actually went down...

And the whole "gay" joke is a reference to the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin....

Enjoy -
Smooches
( and mortified as hell that I really sounded like that) DDQ...

If the Drunk Drama Queen was a South Park Character....

2006-12-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

I would look like this!

Create your own South Park Character here

My Christmas Card...

2006-12-22T07:51:00.000-08:00

I hope you haven't been as "Naughty" as I have this year.....

Merry Christmas,

Happy Holidays,

Hava Nagila!

Smooches,
The Drunk Drama Queen

They don't call me the DRAMA queen for nothin'!!

2006-12-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

Now what...

I had an incident Wed night. I woke up at 12:45, with Acid Reflux..that quickly turned scary. All of a sudden I couldn't breath- it felt like someone had a vice grip on my lungs. I was wheezing and gasping for air. Then I had a panic attack because this lasted for a good 30 to 45 seconds(felt like 2 minutes). I could only get a droplet of air in at every gasp. It scared the hell outta me.
I thought that it's most likely acid reflux that I have never gotten treatment for. Yesterday my lungs were really sore and I could not take anything more than a shallow breath.

so I called the doctor and they gave me a 1:00 appt.
The doctor looked me over and diagnosed me with Asthma.
..... Asthma.... I have NEVER had Asthma before...
Gave me an inhaler and he said that sometimes Acid Reflux and Asthma go hand in hand. He thinks the acid reflux triggered the Asthma attack.
Also gave me a prescription for Acid Reflux too..

The kicker is .. While he is listening to my breathing he asks.. "Has anyone ever told you that you have a Heart Murmur?"

"No, I think I would recall that"..

"well, you do" and now they are scheduling me for a Ultrasound..

Sweet Jesus! So in one day.. I've been diagnosed with Acid Reflux, Asthma (a sudden onset) and a friggen Heart Murmur..

Wadda hell is next????.. I am scared what the Ultrasound is going to show.. I'm afraid they'll say,
"Has anyone ever told you that you have a PENIS?" ???????!!!

Yes, I am still alive..

2006-12-12T14:52:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks.
My life always becomes really hectic during tech week for the shows I am in. Steel Magnolia's went off the ground... and it looks like the audience is having a great time.. so I am thrilled with that..

but I got a call from Mom last Wednesday- we thought my father had a heart attack. I busted my ass home and spent the next three days going back and forth from hospitals to my folks....So I've been without computer access (all the while being a basket case) for what seems like forever.

I'll spare you all the boring details, but my father did NOT have a heart attack. He was symptomatic and he DID have to have Angioplasty and had a stent (I think I spelled that correctly) -his third - he had two put in in Dec 2004 -put in....

He has Kaiser and my hometown doesn't have a Kaiser hospital that specializes in cardiac care so he was bounced around from facility to facility- ended up in San Francisco to have the Heart Cath- which was an excellent facility (it pains me to say this..because I think Kaiser is "allegedly" the devil). They got him into the heart cath, prepped, oil changed and lubed and outta there in an hour.. then sent him home the next day.

So I am exhausted, traumatized, and thankful that he didn't require open heart surgery.

I will try and post something soon in a few days and will be back to my wisecracking, ranting, hilarious self....once I get some sleep...

Smooches,
DDQ

There is some South in my Mouth and Air in my Hair!!

2006-11-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

I can not believe how HUGE my hair is in this photo!! Don't we look amazing? These are the other fabulous women who will be sharing the stage with the Drunk Drama Queen this winter in Steel Magnolias. The play opens December 1st and runs through Jan 20th (with time off for Christmas and New Years). For ticket info, exact dates and times, please visit Chautauqua Playhouse!

This is my first show with Chautauqua and I am thrilled to be in the company of such talented women! I am either breaking character- laughing my ass off- or close to tears getting caught up in the moment. I am playing Annelle (for you movie addicts- it's the part Darryl Hannah plays-but according to the "Fabulous" Paul Fearn, my director, I am much better in the part than she is- LOL)
We had this photo shoot a few weeks ago, and Bob Delucia teased my hair within an INCH of it's life.. My hair was bigger than Tammy Wynettes! I hope I have time in between scenes to get it this big during the run!
I peed a little when I saw this photo.. I can't stop laughing.. I look so ridiculous yet completely in character!
As much as I miss my RSP family, I am having a BLAST and hope Steel Magnolias won't be my last production at Chautauqua! For those of you who can make it, I hope to see you there!
Smooches,
xoxo
DDQ

Who would have thought there were TWO Hee Haw pavilions????

2006-11-16T14:49:00.000-08:00

My dear friend, Jim-the Berserker Librarian, was telling me a story so horrifying that it gave me nightmares. He and I have similar family from hell stories.
We commiserate together.
We usually drink until we can't feel our feet- after several rounds of Alabama Slammers you suddenly don't mind how jacked up your family is anymore.

Well, last week, Sweet Jimbo and I were recalling my wedding from hell in the Hee Haw pavilion story and he proceeded to tell me about a wedding he recently went to that TOPPED my wedding from hell story- HANDS DOWN..
Let him tell you in his own words...

I always thought that *my* relatives were bad. Bluntly rude at times, playfully rude at the other times. But... we're Irish, so it is to be expected. Drunk and rude... but FUN! Sometimes I thought that my relatives put the FUN in dysFUNctional. However my nephew met a young lady last year (the term lady is inappropriate by the way. More on that to come...) and I started seeing that my relatives might be obnoxious and REALLY strange but really not that bad in the scheme of things.
After a year of dating the pair moved in together.
After a month of living together they decided that they would be married in under two weeks.
My sister (my nephews mother) heard about the marriage from her mother-in-law who heard about it from her son who lives in Nevada. My nephew and niece-to-be did not think to tell my sister until three days later. That they would be married in a few days... on a THURSDAY at 5 freaking p.m! They were shocked, astonished, and upset that my sister's family was pissed... the time and day made it so that 95% of my side of the family would not be able to go. And, due to short notice, this might include my sister and brother-in-law. They did get time off from work by pleading "stupid family".
The bride to be WENT OFF on my side of the family in a blog on myspace telling us all to FUCK OFF, and that we were all bastards and bitches. She is a dainty little thing, isn't she? She stated that if we really supported my nephew and her then we would, of course, be there. After all, all of her family would be there.
(ranter's note: my family works, but hers , and I mean every last inbred one of them, DOES NOT WORK. They are all on some kind of government assistance program. So, of course, they have no problems getting time off from work on short notice.
Well the wedding happened. and GAWD it was awful.
The bridesmaids wore, get this, t-shirts and tennis shoes. One of the brides-maids was a relative of the bride. A MALE RELATIVE. In a kilt. Actually he said it was a kilt, but it just looked like a skirt to me. The groomsmen wore t-shirts and jeans. All of which had holes in them. The groom's and bride's attendants marched down the aisle to the tune of Billy Idol's "White Wedding". The father of the bride walked her down the aisle wearing an old dirty flannel shirt and did not even take off his baseball cap. The reception was catered by Little Cesars and a nasty looking Betty Crocker cake. Of course the brides side of the family chain-smoked through the reception. It was held inside the chapel they got married in.
During the reception they played music (of course). The choice of music... well when the bride heard the song they had picked out for the wedding dance "I like my women on the trashy side," she screamed "That's me!!" as she danced around with my nephew. No I am not kidding. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. After the wedding, I overheard a comment from the bride to my nephew about wishing my side of the family was not there. His reply? "But they brought good gifts."
My side of the family went out (without letting the new in-laws know) to get something to drink. Like I said, we are Irish. Plague, death, or horrid in-laws, alcohol really is the solution.

God, how I love Jim. He's my Coosin, my friend, and my partner in crime. If it weren't for the fact that we would probably kill one another with a hatchet-- I would marry that man....

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

2006-11-14T13:52:00.000-08:00

I AM NOT HAPPY.

I JUST LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND FOUND A GREY EYEBROW HAIR....

.....GREY.....

AND DON'T TRY AND GIVE ME THAT "IT'S PROBABLY BLONDE" BULLSHIT.

IT WAS GREY.... AS IN.... I'M OLD, MARTHA-PASS ME THE WALKER AND THE ADULT DIAPERS-GREY!!!!!!

I AM NOT YET 32.

I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS SHIT.

IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE DROWNING MYSELF IN THE LADIES ROOM SINK...........

Veteran's Day

2006-11-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

I took this photo in Savannah last year, mainly as a present to my father. I took it with a 35 mm camera w/black and white film...It's one of my most favorite photos.....
anyway, that's not the point of this post

Several Years ago, I left a sheet of paper (protected with a sheet protector) at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall in Washington DC. It is now in the Smithsonian with other relics left at the wall.

quote taken from Dear America, Letters Home from Vietnam -

"To those who served,
and those who sacrificed,
To those who wept,
and those who waited,
Because of the Vietnam War "

Love,
The Daughter of a Veteran

Now, THAT's one HELL of a Halloween costume...

2006-11-10T21:51:00.000-08:00

Be careful, little guy....
eat too much too quickly and you'll get gas....

(I hope the dipshit that took this stopped taking photos long enough to help this little fella get unstuck)

I feel a breeze......

2006-11-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

A buddy of mine asked me to retell this tale.. .

Not too long ago I was running home late from work, and had an appointment right afterwards. I had barely enough time to go home, pee, change my clothes, and run out the door.
I ran through the front door, peeled off my work clothes as I was running to the bedroom.
Changed into a blouse and blazer, put my shoes and socks on.... and ran out the door.
I shut the door behind me....
and stopped suddenly;and said to myself,
"........ pants. Pants would be good here."

I had ran out my front door without any friggen' pants on.
What killed me was that I had actually put socks and shoes on.. and TIED THE LACES on my damn shoes.
My neighbors were REALLY friendly after that incident. I get more Christmas cards from the complex than any other tenant...

There are some days where I shouldn't leave the apartment without a helmet ......

This is how I feel about the WHOOOOLE election thing....

2006-11-06T07:49:00.000-08:00

This would be my take on the whole political nonsense as of late...

(image courtesy of Pearls Before Swine)

I didn't even get a lollipop for being a good girl.....

2006-11-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

Today my work was offering Flu shots for 20 bucks at our jobsite. Which is pretty cool this year, because I would always forget to go out and get a flu shot....then get the flu and perform my version of the Pea soup scene from the Exorcist-

So today I fill out my form, pay my 20 bucks and stand in line with a bunch of other yahoos that don't mind playing the human pin cushion game.

Did I mention I don't like needles and actually BIT the last nurse who tried to give me a tetanus shot??? ( I was 19 at the time)

My coworker gets to go to the nice Grandma nurse who looks like she's old enough to have given Jesus HIS flu shot- in the manger.... My coworker said it was a piece of cake and didn't even feel it- Lucky bastard.....

I get Nurse RATCHED- who squeezed my shoulder really hard, slapped it and YELLED at me to relax.
,"Listen Nurse Rambo, you do that again, and I'll relax my foot in your ASS" (in my inside voice)- my outside voice just giggled uncomfortably - like when your Grandmother tells you that you should go to church to pick up men and find a husband

Nurse Ratched says, "How come you didn't get a flu shot last year?" as she looks at my form.

"Well, I was probably home sick with the flu." I reply.

"Two years ago, you remember that these shots hurt, right? Well, it's gonna hurt today, bad" she says....

"Where did you learn your bedside manner from, Hannibal Lector?" I ask her.. (again, on the inside) (outside voice- "uh....okay- thanks for the tip")

Then she proceeds to jab me with the needle...only it doesn't work...
she says, "You must be thick skinned" AND JABS ME AGAIN..EVEN HARDER!!
I gasp, and mildly utter a curse word- which got me a dirty bird look from Grandma nurse.....

She then asks me if I spend a lot of time in the sun.
Kiddies, let me tell you a little secret, since you probably can't tell from my photo..but I am just two shades shy of fucking translucent... I ask her-in my outside voice, " uh, honey? Does it LOOK like I go in the sun? Not without a bee keeper suit on"....
She slaps on a band aid and lets me go on my merry way..... rubbing my arm and giving her the evil eye.... which with me is more like - the I really want to be evil-but am more- really pissed off -eye. ....the stinky eye...that's what I give her!

I did get my revenge... she was in the bathroom later on that afternoon....and I saw her coming down the long hall...and pulled an Elaine from Seinfeld move and hid all the toilet paper before she got in there.....

Take that Nurse Ratched, Flu shot BiYatch!

If I could Trick or Treat.. this would be me....

2006-10-31T13:03:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween, Everyone..
(image from Pearls Before Swine)

Hey, Asshole...

2006-10-30T08:38:00.000-08:00

First of all, let me preface this by saying, I am NO longer a morning person. I usually stumble into work and don't say much until 9 am..or until my coffee kicks in..whichever comes first.
But, I try-grumpy as I am, to be polite in the morning. I have a big training class to present twice today. I press the elevator button to go down to the room and get it prepared. I have a cart loaded with papers, candy, various training tools. I don't know why people's common sense goes RIGHT OUT THE DOOR when it comes to elevators. They don't stand to the side when the door opens to let the people ON the elevator to get out... they keep pressing that little button (no matter how many people are standing there or that it's lit allready) well, kiddies- my experience made me want to have a full tourette's rant this morning.
The schmuck-a-zoid that is there when the elevator door opens gives me one of those "mornin' mam" nods. I take this as a welcoming sign that he will MOVE his monster sized ass to the side and get out from the center of the elevator. But, Noooooo, this Jack-Tard decided he'll just stand in my way and let me have an aneurysm trying to navigate my cart inside without getting his armani suit wearing, black leather briefcase -that is probably empty but is there to LOOK important-holding, Tie with little jockeys on it -fucking dumbass to move the fuck over! He just stood there...staring at me in disbelief as I smooshed my claustrophobic ass into the corner. It was killing me not to say,"Hey, Asshole...unless you would like me to physically give you a training cart Enema- move the fuck over."... then I realized that I shouldn't come to work when I have PMS AND morning issues...

Fire, Fire, Fire!!!! Whoooooooooooooooooooooo!

2006-10-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

I received this email from a very good friend of mine. He and I live three houses down from one another- but are so busy we never see each other(that is going to change, honey- I promise).

I read this and laughed so hard, I snorted LOUD and scared the hell out of my coworker sitting in the next cube over. I felt this was too good -HAD to post it...
Enjoy....

OMG...my company just had a fire drill. It was soooooo loud and obnoxious. It totally scared me, I spilled my coffee and screamed "SHIT" really really loud. In addition to the mind numbing screech of the siren, there was a 'strobe light' flashing in my eyes. Not only did I burn my crotch with coffee, practically go deaf from the siren, and have a heart attack from the scare...I was almost sent into a seizure from the strobe light!
What a way to go, eh...writhing around on the floor of your employer, convulsing, twitching and clutching at your chest with ungrateful employees you should have fired three months ago stepping on and over your head just for a chance to get out of doing 15 minutes of work.

Anyway, everyone jumps up and is rushing around like crazy Cirque Du Solei people on crack...I was halfway out of the building when someone said, "John-John (the real name has been changed to protect identity of the humiliated), your one of the floor monitors. You are supposed to grab the clipboard with your dept's employee names and take roll in the South side parking lot."
CRAP!!! (The meeting on evacuation procedures was like 8 months ago, how am I supposed to remember every little thing...)

So then I start trekking back up the freakin stairs against all the idiotic sheep hoarding down the stairs, all worried about a fire, (really worried about if they would get caught if they tried to run to Starbucks down the road).

I eventually get the clipboard and work my way to the parking lot....and WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHERE THE SOUTH SIDE OF THE BUILDING IS?!?!? So there I am walking all around the outside of my building (in my little red construction hat, that reads "FLOOR MONITOR" and big red clipboard that reads "FLOOR MONITOR" and big red name tag that reads "FLOOR MONITOR" ) asking strangers from other companies..."do you know where the south side of the building is?" errr, I sound and look like a freakn retard!!! Hello, yeah, I'm the manager of a dept in a multi-million dollar internet website company and I can't even find the PARKING LOT!!!! Finally we get the OK to go back into the building...(leave it to my company to have the ONLY UN-attractive fire fighters in CA come out). whew, glad that ordeal is over.

I really need to get in touch with these fire drill people (whoever these nameless freaks are) and inform that they need to at least wait until people have a cup coffee before blowing out their eardrums and setting off "disco" lights.

To make matters worse, I was just informed by my HR dept. that I forgot about the two temps I have in my dept and I didn't account for them. OHHHH, WELLLLL, DARN....Because of ME, they could burned to death because they are too dumb to flee a burning building.
I have a really strong feeling that I'm may be signed up for the next "CPR/fire safety-Sensitivity" seminar...

I'm done for the day, and it's only 9:00AM.

That's my buddy, folks.. Isn't he precious??

And I thought California had bad drivers......

2006-10-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Add this to my-whaaa da hell???- file.....

Car ends up on stairs near Pike Place Market

By Seattle Times staff

Nobody was hurt this morning when a woman apparently drove down a stairwell near the Seattle Athletic Club.
An employee at the club, which is just north of Pike Place Market, said the driver stopped the car in front of Cutter's Bayhouse restaurant. How the car ended up on the stairs wasn't immediately known. Seattle police didn't have details about what happened, but said the rain caused several accidents downtown this morning.

Copyright © 2006 The Seattle Times Company

Does this ever happen to you?

2006-10-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

You're at a party, it's filled with EVERYONE YOU KNOW- (maybe because it's a cast party of the Full Monty- that you assistant directed and the cast has gathered to watch the DVD of the production)...
you've got a buzz (because you've drank a bottle and a half of Lambrusco).......
you go to the bathroom (because wetting your pants is NOT an option).....
when you stand up and try to zip up your pants-the zipper gets caught in your underwear......
the more frantic you get- the worse the stuck gets.....
You suddenly realize there is a line forming and people are starting to wonder if you're trying to drown yourself-or going number 2 and they'll need a defcon 5 gas mask before going in after you....
then you hear the gang singing "Happy Birthday" to a cast member (Happy Birthday Drew!)
and you think, "Fuck it" and just rip your underwear free leaving a 1/2 inch hole in your underpants and you leave the bathroom all red faced and sweaty......
WHICH REALLY MAKES PEOPLE WONDER WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE DOING IN THERE- especially if they heard all the grunting and cussing and jumping........
.....That ever happen???? No?????? Perhaps it's just me, then.......

Zen Advice

2006-10-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a bit under the weather today.. so I thought I would post some Zen Advice. Now, perhaps only I think it's hysterical because of all the flu medicine I've taken.. oh well I don't care- it made me laugh anyway- enjoy

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a darkside, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Wedding from Hell at the Hee Haw Pavilion

2006-10-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

This is a true story- the names have been changed to protect the stupid asswipes I am related to.
A few years ago, one of my cousin's (on the Hee Haw side) was married. The wedding itself in my grandparents church was lovely. The reception was a different matter. Let me say first that the Groom, the best man(his brother) and a family uncle all work for a famous beer manufacturer.. so all the beer and wine at the wedding were free and consumed in mass quantities. Actually for most of the reception everyone was having a grand time. Most of us were too liquored up to care. ..but all of this lead to a drunken family brawl on the front lawn of the reception hall.

After the meal, toast, and obligatory cake cutting all hell broke loose. My mother and I were in the car outside waiting for my brother and father to stumble in so we can go home and pass out. Suddenly 45 family members come pouring outside and start duking it out on the front lawn of the reception hall.
People were screaming and trying to punch each other....
The mother of the groom was hiking up her skirt and trying to jump on people's backs....
The best man was kickboxing bushes and crying...
Kids were running around tripping people-some were scoring the fight- "I give Uncle Jimmy a 6! Oooh Marla wins by a TKO!"

Suddenly an Uncle-who had gone home earlier in the evening-had come BACK to join in on the hillbilly brouhaha....wearing just his tuxedo pants.
NO SHOES
NO SHIRT
JUST HIS PANTS....
I was actually pleased he remembered to WEAR pants...
Then about 6 police cars with two cops a piece show up to break up the drunken family disturbance. The bride had asked me-COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE THUNDERDOME BATTLE GOING ON 12 FEET FROM HER .... "Why are the police here?" Then took another sip from her cup of Boone's farm (I wish I was making that up)
I said, "They're here for the Weddin', honey. Welcome to the family!"
Then I grabbed my father and brother, threw them into the back of the car and instructed my mother to perform her best impression of Mario Andretti and we got the hell out of there.

Two years later the Best man had gotten married... and during the toasts the bride's father said that he was so happy that this is all over because he hadn't had sex with his wife for two months.. and then one of the bridemaids announced to the guests in her toast that she"had the groom first".... less than a year later they broke up...she left him.
My family are a bunch of circus freaks.. and my father wonders why I drink so heavily...

Lemme tell you a little story about a man named Jed...

2006-10-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

All righty! Popular demand states that I should tell the Hee Haw story, well I don't have much time this morning, so just let me give you a little background on why I call a certain section of my relatives "The Hee-Haw's".

I call them the Hee Haws because they started a letter writing campain to bring Hee Haw back to the television airwaives...but they couldn't spell Hee-Haw....

They are a group of my kin that are jacked up. Our Christmas dinner is catered by the cooks from Deliverance- the turkey is okay..but the squealing pig is DELICIOUS! Before any family gathering, my mom, dad, brother and sister in law and I go down a few shots of liquor to calm ourselves. You KNOW your family is all wacked out when you have to get liquored up BEFORE you go meet them.

They are selfish, childish, and semi retarded. I have an uncle who wrapped his Christmas presents using DUCT tape instead of scotch tape, that same uncle has NEVER said more than "Hi" to me at any family gathering. To him women are small minded creatures who should only be allowed to breed snot nosed brats. He thinks women are beneath him. And God forbid if any of the family wants to go to school outside the wee podunk town they live in. One of my cousin's wants to go to school a mere 30 miles from town. My uncle now is all in a snit about how that particular individual should be out of the family. And the kicker is, he is a self rightous bible thumper who is all involved in his church about what a fine christian man he is... kiddies, can you say, "Hypo-fucking-crit"?????

I am sure it pisses him off to NO END that my brother and I both went to school far away from there and have actually moved far away. Which I don't care, anyway. I just sit back and sip from my vodka that I have secretly stashed in my purse....

Well, a few years ago, one of my Hee Haw cousins got married. All hell broke loose at the reception and we were almost on COPS..(bad boys,bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you).
Stay tuned for the next post where I'll relay what is now known in my family as the Wedding from Hell...

Me Culpa Me Culpa

2006-10-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

My sincere apologies folks. I thought I would have a TON of time to update after The Emporer's New Clothes and The Full Monty closed (two weeks ago).. but that simply isn't the case. Work has been really busy and the project I've been on is almost ready to roll (Thank you, Jesus). Also I've been really upset about my weight lately so I've been hitting the gym more after work.. when I get home I am exhausted.
Also, I have been more social and checking in on some old friends. When I am in a show I toss them aside like Paris Hilton at a Nicole Ritchie look-a-like contest. Now I feel better that I have more time to see my peeps.
I should have practiced my drinking skills and become a raging alcoholic- work would really LOVE that idea!!
I digress.. new updates will be happening soon. I PROMISE! I have a few ideas that I am tossing around the ole' noggin.
I have a family wedding to go to this weekend, thankfully no Hee-Haw relatives are in this one, so it should be peaceful. Hey- that's a great idea... allthough many of you who read this allready know the tale of the Wedding from Hell at the Hee Haw Pavillion- but there are some new readers who don't know.... should I recap that story?? Or are y'all tired of hearing it???
Lemme know!
Smooches

ARRG,ME MATEY!!

2006-09-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

Arrg, Me Hearty! Avast ye Scurvy Dogs! Ye be warned, or ye'll walk the plank! Be nice to me parrot, Polly, or ye'll swab the poop deck! Arrgh, oooh me peg leg! Let's all get loaded to the gunwales!
September 19th (Tuesday) is International Talk like a Pirate day! Check out http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html my favorite is the Pirate Pick up lines!!
and read below a quick vocabulary list in which ye'll find words submitted by many pirates o'er the years, an' which comprise a loose piratical dictionary.
Ahoy: Hey!
Avast: Stop!
Aye: Yes
Black spot: to be 'placin' the black spot' be markin' someone for death.
Booty: treasure
Buccanneer: a pirate who be answerin' to no man or blasted government.
By the Powers!: an exclamation, uttered by Long John Silver in Treasure Island!
Cat o' nine tails: whip for floggin' mutineers
Corsair: a pirate who be makin' his berth in the Med-...Medi-...that sea 'tween Spain and Africa, aye!
Davy Jones' Locker: the bottom o' the sea, where the souls of dead men lie
Doubloons: pieces of gold...
Fiddlers Green: the private heaven where pirates be goin' when they die.
Furner: a ship which be yer own, not one ye steal an' plunder.
Gentlemen o' fortune: a slightly more positive term fer pirates!
Go on the account: to embark on a piratical cruise
Grog: A pirate's favorite drink.
Jack: a flag or a sailor
Jolly Roger: the skull and crossbones, the pirate flag!
Keelhaul: a truly vicious punishment where a scurvy dog be tied to a rope and dragged along the barnacle-encrusted bottom of a ship. They not be survivin' this.
Landlubber: "Land-lover," someone not used to life onboard a ship.
Lass: A woman.
Lily-livered: faint o' heart
Loaded to the Gunwales (pron. gunnels): drunk
Matey: A shipmate or a friend.
Me hearty: a friend or shipmate.
Me: My.
Pieces o' eight: pieces o' silver which can be cut into eights to be givin' small change.
Privateer: a pirate officially sanctioned by a national power
Scallywag: A bad person. A scoundrel.
Scurvy dog!: a fine insult!
Shiver me timbers!: an exclamation of surprise, to be shouted most loud.
Son of a Biscuit Eater: a derogatory term indicating a bastard son of a sailor
Sprogs: raw, untrained recruits
Squadron: a group of ten or less warships
Squiffy: a buffoon
Swaggy: a scurvy cur's ship what ye be intendin' to loot!
Swashbucklin': fightin' and carousin' on the high seas!
Sweet trade: the career of piracy
Thar: The opposite of "here."
Walk the plank: this one be bloody obvious.
Wench: a lady, although ye gents not be wantin' to use this around a lady who be stronger than ye.
Wi' a wannion: wi' a curse, or wi' a vengeance. Boldly, loudly!
Yo-ho-ho: Pirate laughter

Shiver me timbers ye Scallywags, ! I'll be seeing ye in the Fiddlers Green!

With Hurricane Season well underway.....

2006-09-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

I overheard some lame ass at the cafeteria today state that they wanted to go Acapulco next week for vacation. It took every fiber in my being NOT to say,
" ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED, WOMAN???
In case you haven't been watching the news lately, we are starting Hurricane season and just last week Mexico was plum smack in the middle of one..... "
I bet they're the type of asshole that stares right into a solar eclipse......

And then I remembered a bit Carlos Mencia did a few years ago... Check out
Carlos Mencia-how much of a warning do you need??

This ranks a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter

2006-09-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

This image provided by the Direction of Penal Centers of El Salvador shows an x-ray taken of one of four prisoners at a maximum security Salvadoran prison in Zacatecoluca, 35 miles southeast of the capital of El Salvador. Four cellular telephones were found in the intestines of as many prisoners in El Salvador's maximum-security prison, authorities said Wednesday, Sept. 6, 2006. The discovery happened Tuesday at the prison in Zacatecoluca after suspicious prison officials took x-rays of each of the prisoners, prison spokesman Jaime Villanova said. (AP Photo/Centros Penales)

Buffalo men DO go all the way!

2006-09-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

My apologies to my readers, this week has been insane. As I mentioned before I am the Assistant Director of The Full Monty that opened last night. Tech week (also known as Hell Week in theatre lingo) started Sunday, August 27th and continued until we opened. That meant a LOT of loooooong nights for the crew and actors. Most nights the rehearsals went until the wee hours of the morning. So I had to put my blog aside in order to remain functional at work.

Last night was sooooo stressful to me. In addition to the stress of opening- you're never sure if your audience is going to see the same show you've been seeing these past two months.- we had some major technical hurdles.Our poor Master Carpenter had a tough time. He is 17 and started out wanting to assist with our sets. But no one else volunteered to assist him so he was promoted. We were kind of disappointed that some of our former guys didn't help him. But we had to carry on with what we had.... well this poor kid started school this week and only had about 4 hours a day to get these set's built. Needless to say last night we made do without some of the things we wanted but what WAS built looked awesome!

To add to the stress, our Lighting Designer was also the Stage manager and he was pushed to get the lights done...so the light board operator and follow spot crew didn't get a rehearsal before opening. So last night we did have some technical issues- but the crew was AMAZING and really worked their asses off!!! AND the audience fell in love with our actors who didn't let the technical issues stop them from giving their all.. .

In fact.. the audience GAVE OUR GUYS A STANDING OVATION at the end of the night!!! It was sooo heartwarming it gave me tears in my eyes. I am sooo proud of my actors!!! Not only are they doing material that hasn't been seen in Sacramento before (unless you count the Broadway Tour)..but the 6 leads are average looking guys (although they are cute as hell) STRIPPING in front of a live audience!!! That alone takes (pardon the pun) balls!!
Congrats to my cast.... they deserved every laugh, applause, and heartfelt moment their audience gave them. They especially deserved the standing ovation!!
I am off to go pass out into a COMA....

Who puts the Drama in Drama Queen..

2006-08-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

For those who might not know me. I am very involved with community theatre. (Hence part of my blog title) I have been acting for almost 16 years now. For the past three years I have been involved with Runaway Stage Productions at the 24th street theatre. Currently I am involved with two productions. (I should have titled my blog Drunk Theatre Whore.. but it didn't roll off the tongue as easily as DDQ) I am the Assistant Director on the production of The Full Monty (image on top- don't they look HAWT!) that opens Sept 1st. I am also acting in the Storybook production of Emperor's New Clothes( bottom image..how cute are WE?!) that opens Sept 9th. (a little something for everyone! )Please check Runaway's website for further info on times, dates, and ticket info. They are both excellent shows. Runaway Stage has some of the most talented cast's and they really produce high quality work for the Sacramento community! Great fun !! I am so proud to be involved with RSP and the quality work that they do! See you at the theatre!

Move your ASS

2006-08-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a busy one. I actually thought that I wouldn't have anything to post. Ooooooh, I was sooooooo wrong!

Saturday morning, Ashley (my sista' from another mista') and I went to the State Fair. For the most part, we had a nice time. We had a LOT of wine, rode the monorail, saw baby animals, ate fried veggies-all in all- a great day at the fair.

What was uncool were all the socially retarded folk that simply do not know how to walk in a public arena setting. I would like to take a few moments to address these douchenozzles in an open letter.

Dear Fuckwad,

Here is some advice for you. When walking through a public venue where there may be a lot of people (Fairs, malls, concerts, sporting events, Costco) and you would like to stop and chat with the people you came with to discuss a meal you ate three GODDAMN YEARS AGO that no one cares about but they simply must try....... MOVE THE FUCK OVER TO YOUR RIGHT. Don't just stand there in the middle of traffic and get pissed at me when I ask you to "excuse me". And just because you have a stroller, does not give you cart blanche to run over my big toe, snapping it in half, and causing me to scream out a list of vulgarities (that would give a tourette's patient a good giggle )in front of your seven year old. Pay Goddamn attention to where the fuck you are and where the fuck other people are. MOVE YOUR ASS!
sincerely,
DDQ

I cannot tell you the number of times where Ashley and I thought that perhaps we may have turned invisible and that is why these inbred retarded asswipes do not know how to MOVE their Krispy Creme Fried chicken and cheese sandwhich eating asses. (Yes, my dears, that is the new "Hot Item" on this years State Fair Menu---Gag--)

And that's how I feel about that.

Master Yoda- How do I become a Jedi?

2006-08-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

I can't believe what a pussy I am.
I took a chance and emailed a request to Danny Evans, who, in my opinion, is one of the most hysterical bloggers around. I cannot get through the day without checking out his blog at www.dadgonemad.com . I even bought a "Dad Gone Mad" T-shirt!
In my email (I sounded like a prepubescent acne prone squealer asking Haley Joel Osment to sign her bus pass) I asked him if he would mind if I linked his site on my spankin' new blog. Not only did he take the time to respond, he gave me some great advice. So I just wanted to give him a shout out for not only having one of THE most entertaining blogs out there, but for being kind enough to respond to a semi retarded newbie.
Thanks DGM.
Hugs and stuff,
DDQ

With friends like these.......

2006-08-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

Me and my two dearest Friends(Greg and Wade) at Wade's Birthday Roast 2004

I have to get this OFF my chest

2006-08-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

This was originally written in November 2003.....

Can someone please tell me why the Hellidays (oops- I mean the Holidays) make people absolutely RETARDED when it comes to going to Safeway???? I go to safeway on Alhambra last night after work.I should have known since it took me F-in FOREVER to Freakin' PARK.. .that I should have just turned around and gone home. But Nooooo. Something in me NEEDED to hobnob with every circus freak, white trash, Autistic, bimbo who, for some reason, thought that last night was the ONLY night they could shop before Thanksgiving,
There was one woman who stopped dead in her tracks and screamed and ran to the center of the aisle to grab 8 CANS OF CANNED PUMPKIN like there is a shortage,as if in two minutes.. PIE BAKERS FROM ALL OVER THE FUCKING NATION WERE GOING TO RAID THAT PARTICULAR SAFEWAY AND SUDDENLY RID THE STORE OF CANNED PUMPKIN!
That is the point where I started my way over to the liquor aisle..
The highlight of my evening was trying to get out of the parking lot.. Walking to my truck I see these two lesbians.. I am sorry.. I shouldn't judge them let me rephrase-.. These two mullet headed, flannel shirt wearing,truck driving, fat tattooed bitches were unloading four bags of groceries..and their cart was right behind my truck. I make sure they see me - get in my truck- and patiently wait for them to move their cart.
Do they??
HELL NO! It takes them 5 minutes to unload FOUR FUCKING BAGS OF JUNK FOOD AND BEER
And then the more autistic of the two looks at me and acts "surprised" like OH- I GUESS YOU WOULD LIKE TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW THAT WE ARE DONE???
AND I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY IT TAKES THIS COW 10 MINUTES TO MOVE THE DAMN GROCERY CART TO THE OTHER SIDE OF MY TRUCK..
She doesn't even put it away.. Just moves it to the other side and SHE COULDN'T EVEN MAKE THE DAMN CART GO. I have seen trained GERBILS do a better job!!
And if that wasn't bad enough.. Everyone that was trying to leave or park.. Thought that they could just go wherever they wanted to whenever they wanted to
Three cars were all trying to go to the same spot all traveling in DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS!
YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I HAD AN ANEURYSM BY THE TIME I GOT OUT OF THERE.. Holy Mother of GOD
Okay.. Stepping off my soapbox now.. End of rant.

Originally written March of 2004

2006-08-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

This event occurred in 2004-
Lemme fill you in on a fun filled Saturday I spent in San Francisco this weekend. BACKGROUND
My two dear friends Shaleen and Steele and I , along with Shaleens mom Sharon- went to go see Mama Mia in San Francisco. What a wonderful show. I left my apartment at 9:30 am and went to meet Shaleen. It took us a while to get on the road- but we left at 11:00 and were on our way to the Richmond BART station. Shaleen borrowed Greg's car because we didn't want any car drama (her car has been acting funky- this will be very important later on in the story). With one minor re-route (Shaleen wasn't aware that the Richmond station was off of 80- she thought the Pittsburgh BART was what I was talking about) we were in the city and met Steele and went to the show.
-Show was FABULOUS- had a great time! Due to some great coworkers of Steeles our seats were upgraded to Orchestra and we sat behind a 60 year old woman with a very interesting hair do... a cross between a Cockatoo and a chia pet.
HERE IS WHERE THE STORY BEGINS
We leave the theatre after the show and immediately walk into a RIOT. That big protest you read about and saw in the news this weekend?? Yep- yours truly was SMACK down in the middle of it- there were police with riot gear- thousands of them. So we quickly leave that mess and head to the Tonga room at the Fairmont (??) hotel for a drink. When we get the bill we freaked because we thought that they charged us 4 dollars for (what we thought were complimentary) mixed nuts on the table. Turns out we weren't reading the bill correctly- so we left. On the way out Shaleen and Sharon were in the ladies room and Steele and I were window shopping at the gift shop and froo-froo stores at the hotel. I made him smell my hands because the soap in the bathroom smelled nice.. He did and agreed- and said that the men's soap didn't .. So I smelled his hand.. Then we got goofy - at least we're not dogs.. Or we'd be smelling each other's butts.. WE STARTED TO PANTOMIME THAT IDEA- we turned around and the guy in the store was staring at us THROUGH THE WINDOW... I wonder what the hell he thought when he saw us sniffing each other!
Okay- back to the story- we leave the hotel.. And head to dinner . We eat at this great Burmese/Chinese food place where our waiter was wearing a tablecloth as a skirt- we were that nights entertainment.. We had these laughing fits and had a great time. We leave that place and go to catch a drink at the Gold Dust Lounge. An old Bordello that is now a bar- we couldn't find a place to sit- and leave..
Then we FIND A DEAD BODY.
In the middle of the sidewalk there was an over tipped wheel chair with a body covered in a blanket on it laying on the sidewalk not moving. And we didn't want to stay and check so we called 911 and reported it- then went to the top of the Marriott to have another drink. We finally got back to the Powell street Bart station at 11:00 pm to finally realize that the last train to Richmond from there left at 7:00 pm. After having to scrape Shaleen off of the ceiling- we caught the train to Pittsburgh and transferred at 12th street. Made it safely to the car at midnight and headed home.
Right after Vacaville OUR TIRE EXPLODED AND CAUGHT ON FIRE.
Yes.. The tire severely blew- separated from the rim and caught on fire.(and we took Gregs car so we won't have car trouble) We called AAA and waited for the truck to come. I really had to pee at this point so I had to PEE BEHIND A ABANDONED OLDSMOBILE. We get the spare donut on and fill the rest of the tires up.. And head home... going 45 miles an hour.
We finally get to Sacramento where I realized all this time I had a hole in the crotch of my pants... Which sent Shaleen and I into fits of delirium. We pull into the parking lot of her apartment. She has to pee really bad- and the sprinkler had malfunctions and there was a 6 foot geyser covering the sidewalk to get to the apartment. I hear Shaleen scream.. I have to pee and Mt Vesuvius is blocking my way...
TO END THIS TALE,
I got home at 4:00 am... To sum it up- on Sat I-
Saw Mama Mia
Walked into a Riot
Saw a dead body
Had our Car tire EXPLODE AND CATCH ON FIRE
Peed behind an abandoned Oldsmobile
Had a hole in the crotch of my pants and didn't know
I am never leaving my bed again